Maybe I am just hormonal cause I have been feeling O pains again and today I had some EWCM. Who can say?

Had my folks and grandmonster over today for the break fast for Yom Kippur. The kiddos had a great time. Sam LOVES my mom! Nana this and Nana that... But every one went outside and left me to cook with the grandmonster as my only company... YIKES! She was on pretty good behavior and when I was almost bitten thru my tongue, I had Ben bring her outside to watch the kiddos play.

Dinner was good, but I ate WAAAAAY too many carbs and now feel like a bloated beached whale. Oh well, I will go back to my carb counting ways tomorrow. There is something about the Jewish holidays that require me to eat fruit Kugel and jello mold (may sound strange but it is YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) It feels good to be passing on traditions to my kiddos. Ben says it is neat cause his family never did this kind of stuff.

In a few weeks we will be going on Sam's first field trip for school. We are going to the pumpkin patch. Ben is going to take the day off from work so he can go too.

Ben and I decided that we are going to hire a baby sitter 2x a month and go on dates. We talked a lot and decided that things are just so hectic sometimes (good hectic but hectic) that it is easy to forget about us. So we are now going to go on dates.

Blogs coming soon... a wild morning glory seed story from my wilder days...

Random thoughts... wonder if Susan has had the baby yet... Hope Lexi's collar bone isn't severly broken and hoping Nicole doesn't beat herself up too much.

Happy bday Jimmy. Can't believe Lynn has a teenage son.

Hope Susan has the baby soon and her epidural is waiting for her at the door.

Wonder why Leanna changed her name on PP?

Hope Michelle's Darren stays on the wagon with no smoking. Still in awe w/ her having baby #4!

Glad Jess is ok w/ the decision on no more kiddos.

Where have all the IM chats gone????

Wonder when my PPAF will return and if we are done w/ kiddos????

Hope Mel is feeling better soon. (And me too!)

Kit's first day of music class is tomorrow. Sam will come w/ us cause we are doing an extra class to make up for missing last week (Kit's double ear infection...).

Glad Chip and Kim won the Amazing Race, but feel bad that Cowboy did not win BB5. He was the only one who was not a liar.

I am very tired but I am up with a NASTY headache. Poor me.

My tagboard is back. Scroll down and say hi!

I love my kiddos. They are perfect! And I love Ben, but we have been so busy lately that there has been no time for sex and cuddles and I am lonely. And then I am too tired to do anything about it! *sigh* Ups and downs and ups and downs... marriage takes work and is not easy. Nothing worth having ever is.

Well we felt the effects of Ivan last night w/ wild winds and tons of rain. We lost power for a bit and the road down the street from us is flooded and closed. The creek is 4 feet higher than normal! Two towns over, the Delaware River is over the guard rail in places and it has been declared a State of Emergency.

Our outside porch furniture was blown into neignbors yards and our basement, for the first time, was filled with water. So I spent the morning using a wet vac to clean it out. My insanse husband felt he HAD to go to work, so he had to drive waaaaay north to get to a highway that could get him to work cause the back roads are flooded. What normally takes 20 minutes, took over an hour. But he is now safe and sound. I would have preferred him to take a sick day, but he wouldn't. :(

I am getting sick again for the 3rd time in a month. Again it is my sinuses. I can't hear out of my right ear, my throat is killing me and the back of my neck is so painful. I think I am not fully getting over it and have not slowed down, so I keep relapsing. I think I may have to break down and go to the doctor cause this is just getting to be stupid. I don't know if I will be able to take an antiboitic though cause Kit is on one for his double ear infection. ??? I have a feeling my cold went awry and I have a sinis infection and that is why I keep relapsing.

Onto happy things... the kids' naming was last night at the children services. They both were very well behaved. But when we were up with the Rabbi and he was blessing the kids, Sam was fascintated with a boy in the fron row and kept pointing to him, loudly saying, "BOY. BOY. BOY. BOY. BOY..." Everyone was laughing. Then after the service, she chased him for 15 minutes saying, "BOY. BOY. BOY. BOY. BOY.." His name was Matt and he must have been around 9. He was a good sport about it, but his older brother was teasing him so. My little Sam already is boy crazy - oh no!

Baby Kit was trying to sing with the canter. Every time she sang, he cooed really loudly. One thing for sure is that my kiddos are NOT shy! The Rabbi said they were good though and it was a children's service afterall, lol! They had instruments for the kids to play with the music. So all the kids had tamborines and maraccas to play. It was a really nice service. Even Ben said it was nice, but he said the Hebrew was a little confusing. Fair enough! I think going once a month will be really nice family time.

The 60 cupcakes I made for the Oneg went down well. There were a lot left over, but I told the Rabbi to keep them for the kids to eat during Sunday School. He smiled.

My parents and sister and husband came to the naming. They were supposed to come early to spend time with the kids. As it turned out, they got here 45 mins before we were supposed to leave. So I shoved pizza in everyone's mouth, the kids opened a few gifts (which was very nice of my sister and husband and my parents to bring for the kids) and then it was time to go. They ended up leaving after the service, so they didn't really get to spend much time with us or the kids. But at least she finally met them! Maybe now that she has, she will have some incentive to come back. ???

So I figured we get together while they were up this weekend (my reason for not going to LFEST), well my sister told me last night that they have plans with friends on Saturday both morning and evening. I was like, oh, ok then. It is VERY strange. Oh, and I found out later that the reason they were late coming here yesterday was cause their dog had the runs. We always rank after the pets, bizzare isn't it? But I just laughed about it to Ben. I refuse to spend any more time being angry. They just obviously are different from me and I have a choice to either accept it for what it is or not to.

Kids up from their naps and ready to play.

Well poor baby Kit spiked a fever this morning and I took him to the doctor. Turns out my little guy has a double ear infection. That explains the crankiness and why he hasn't been sleeping. I dropped off his script for Augmentin and we came home to play for the hour until it is ready.

Baby Kit is such a good baby. He may be feeling like crap, but he still smiles and plays. Well as he was cruising around in his walker, Samantha decided that it would be a great idea to bop him over the head with a plastic toy. Of course he cried, so I picked him up and also told Sam to sit on the sofa for a time out. Kit wasn't hurt, just startled. He calmed down quickly. At that point I went over to Sam on the sofa and asked why she did that to her brother. She looked at me with a straight face, waved her hand and answered, "Pish Posh Mama."

"Excuse me?" I asked not believing what I heard.

"Pish Posh," she stated firmly, again waving her hand.

At this point I had to bite my tongue not to laugh. I held baby Kit in front of her and said, "You hurt Kit, what do you have to say?"

"Pish Posh Baby Kit."

Now I really wanted to laugh, but it is my job to stand firm. So I explained why it is not nice to hit her brother and she eventually said she was sorry. But OMG - where do kids get these things?

Ok, I am off to get Kit's medicine!

I just read part of the log that Allie's parents have been writing as they have battled w/ her Lukemia. How tragic that a child that young has had to battle such an ugly foe and has lost the battle. I am sure w/ the fentanyl, she is in little discomfort. But God, how do you watch your child die? I found myself looking at this baby's photos and thinking what a beautiful child she is. What is the reason that a 9 mth old has to leave the Earth in this way and how as a parent do you recover from such a loss?

I look at baby Kit, who was just born a few weeks after this little girl and can't imagine the horror of him not being here. And the word "Fentanyl" brings be back to Sam on her vent last summer. And we were lucky, we got to bring our baby home. I will be keeping these people in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that this sweet baby feels no pain and carries her parent's love with her as she continues on.

This is the web page I was reading... http://www.scotthousehold.com/

I wish I had a million dollars. I'd keep having babies until my uterus fell out. I'd pay someone to clean my house and do all the crap that kept me from my kiddos. All I would do is spend time with them and enjoy life. But counting my blessings, I have 2 wonderful kiddos and I thank God for them everyday.

Hug and kiss your kiddos if you have them. Despite the hardships we all face, all things being equal, hopefully we are alive and over-all pretty healthy.

Right before I go to sleep, I have a billiong ideas of what I want to blog about. It feels like when I wake up the next day, time just whizzes by and then it is night again and of course I didn't get a minute to blog.

For me, this blog is my journal and I will get as personal as I want to. For my friends that know me and read this, it will just let them see a bit more into me and for stangers, it doesn't matter cause they don't know me. But the point of it is that it is my record of my life events and my thoughts. It will be something that in years to come that I can look back on and enjoy and maybe even share with my kids. That is what really matters to me.

Samantha....
Started nursery school this week and did great! She did not cry when we left; however, the teacher said that she did cry a little in the middle of the day. Sam talked positively about school and even said she wanted to go back. But she cried when we got in the car on Friday cause she thought we were going to school. I think she is very conflicted - the big girl and the baby in her are at odds. This Sunday is the first day of Sunday School for Sam. What is nice about it is that for pre-school age, Sunday school is a mommy and me class. So both Ben and I will be with Samantha (as well as Baby Kit too!). So it will be a nice family thing together. Sunday school is by weekly. I think Sunday school will be a nice introduction to the Temple for Sam and Kit.

Christopher...
is standing, cruising and crawling like a mad man. He is getting very quick with his crawling and his cruising is getting better every day! I think he will be walking even earlier than Sam was - oh my! He is such a darling boy. He has a smile that just lites up the room and he is such a happy, pleasant little boy. His two top teeth still have not come in yet, but it is hard and swollen on his gums. I hope they cut thru. Poor pumpkin has been getting up every 2 hours at night. I know he is uncomfortable and it bothers him.

I am going to take Kit to a music class on Thursdays when Sam is in school. I think he will really enjoy it and it will be nice to have one-on-one time with him like I had with Samantha.

We have started teaching Kit to sign like we did with Sam. Kit can already sign the word "more" when he wants more food - clever boy!

And Sam and Kit have really started to play niceley together. They will sit and play with little people and blocks for quite awhile. Every morning when Sam gets up she rushes in to tell Kit, "Baby it's sunny outside." She then looks at me and says, "Baby is happy to see me! I'm happy to see baby!" I hope they always have a close relationship.

Grown up stuff...
Ben and I have had very little time together lately. We both spend lots of time with the kids, but with the addition of my job and an already busy achedule - time has not been there. It has been upsetting me and I finally told him last night. I don't want to be one of those couples that forget about each other and then years later have nothing in common anymore. He agreed that we need to make sure that we just have Ben and Wendy time. It is hard to find the time to be affectionate (not sex, holding hands, cuddling... ect) with 2 little ones, but it is important as is conversation that does not only revolve around the kiddos. Luckily we both are like minded that marriage is a work in progress and always needs to be tended to to keep it healthy. I have missed time with him. And that is when I start getting resentful and bitchy.

As far as my job, I really do love it! It is so easy and the money has been great. The owner leaves me be to wait on my tables and do my stuff. I like that. It gets on my nerves to have someone up my ass. It is also nice to get out of the house and just be me for a little. And no matter how busy the restaurant gets, it is still WAAAAAAY easier that taking care of 2 little ones 24-7. When it is your kids, you hate to have them upset. If a customer gets upset (not that I want that...), they leave shortly after dinner and then I don't have to see them again (thus the less stress), so who cares, lol! I mean, I want them happy so they tip well, but it just is not as important as my kiddos!

Was really nice. Sam was very nervous when we first got there, but by the end, she did not want to go home! We got to meet some of the other kids in her class and their parents. All seemed very nice. Ben and I both think that Samantha is going to do very well. It was really cute watching all the 2 year olds go back and forth between wanting to be w/ their parents and be with each other and play.

I still can remember nursery school and I really enjoyed it. Every day the excitement built when it was free play as I ran to the BIG TRICYCLE as fast as I could. Round and round the room I rode thr giant red trike. Who knows how big it really was, but back then it looked HUGE! I remember my teachers, what the class room looked like and even some of the songs. It was a very happy, innocent time. I really want Sam to have that.

Baby Kit loved watching the big kids and he got to play with some Duplo blocks. As soon as he is walking, there is no doubt that he will be Samantha's little shadow!

Ben and I chuckled about barely being able to remember what it was like before having kids and we were married for 6 years before Sam was born, lol! We are lucky that we have a strong marriage cause boy does the time go fast when there are 2 little ones. It is important to make sure that we still make time for each other. And we are fortunate that the communication is good so when one of us starts taking a little too much for granted and the things that spouses do to each other, we can talk about it.

I am so thankful for my family. (And my friends too!)

29 years old means only 1 more year til 30! Love you!!!!!!

And on a lighter note... the kids and I had so much fun getting the house ready for Ben's little surprise bday party. We made the cake, decorated, got party hats and pin the tail on the donkey. When he got home from work, we jumped out and said "Surprise!" We then ate cake for dinner and he opened his gifts! The funniest was watching Sam try to pin the tail on the donkey and watching Kit DEVOUR his cake! He was covered in icing! Tomorrow is Bens real bday but it was fun to make the party tonight as a surprise after a hard weekend of work for him.

We went to the fair last night, which Sam has renamed Sam's playgound. They had live stock animals, pony rides, amusement rides, games and of course food. We got there early, so we were able to eat. (In my family, eating is ALWAYS a priority, lol!)

We bought Sam and me a wrist band so that we could go on all the kiddie rides together. Well the stupid ride people would not let me go on the rides with her! Granted I am big, but if I don't mind looking like an idiot, why should they care? And poor Sam was too afraid to stay on most the rides by herself. Luckily Sam made friends with a nice 6 year old girl named Francesca and they then went on most the rides together. And then our 7 year old neighbor and Sam's best friend, Morgan, showed up, so Sam was rearing to go on all the rides then! She was sooo cute as she would ride around on the cars and then boats and motorcyles. Kiddie rides are so cute!

Baby Kit was lauging and smiling so much as he watched his big sister went round and round. He really enjoys watching people. Ben decided that it would be easier to hold Kit instead of using the Baby Bjorn or stroller. I didn't say anything. By the end of the night Ben was complaining how heavy Kit is. I was like REALLY? LOL!

Sam got to ride a giant white pony and she was in heaven. We also checked out all the cows, sheep, goats and pigs. The kiddos really enjoy seeing the animals.

I attempted to go on a big kid ride where you lay flat and then the big wheel goes up and it is almost like hang gliding, but when the guy buckled me in, I felt claustrophobic and panicked. That has never happened to me before. I yelled for Ben to get the man to let me off. My heart was racing and I really thought I was losing my mind. It felt like I was in a coffin. I guess I don't like being restrained like that while on my belly. I laughed about it to Ben when I got off that I cried like a big baby before the ride even started, but I was really upset. It's not like I can't go on scarey rides - I still love rollercoasters, but this one freaked me out. I guess I'm not 17 and fearless anymore...

Ben's 29th bday is on Monday. So Sunday when Ben is at work, the kids and I are going to make a cake, decorate the house and have a little party for him when he gets home. Sam and I have been planning it all week. Sam keeps reminding me that we need party hats, lol. She is looking forward to helping me make the cake.

Kit has had a big week. He has stood for the first time, he in now crawling and today he sat up by himself for the first time. BIG BOY!!!!!!! I looked at Sam's baby book and she started doing those things also at around 8 mths and then she was walking by 9 mths. So, I think Kit may also be an early walked - oh no, lol! I think I'm busy now...hee, hee... And Kit is so much more nosey than Sam ever was. Even now, he gets into everything. We have lovingly nick-named him Dennis The Menace.

Next week we have Sam's open house for nursery school. I still can't quite believe she will be going. And on the potty front, Sam is 2 thumbs up. The only time she is in a pull up now is at night. WOO HOO SAM!!!!!!

On me - I am loving my little p/t job. Came home with $131.00 on Thurs. YIPEE! And 2 days a week is just right. The boss wants me to take another night, but I am sticking with two. I feel that 3 nights would just be taking too much time away from our family and I am not willing to do that. Sure, I'd love another night of dollars, but certain things, like my family, are beyond a price.

Thinking of my many family and friends who are ill, have sick loved ones, have kiddos starting school for the first time, are preggo and feeling yuck and keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

And on that note, I am off to play with the kiddos.

My Maw beat the crap out of me so I'm gonna beat the crap outta my kids. Dang, I turned out ok... WTF?

I am so sick of people trying to rationalize why it is ok that they can't control their own anger and try to convince others that it is for the best interest of the child when they smack them or worse. BULL SHIT. Unless you kid is about to walk into a highway of traffic - there is rarely a time that hitting is for the good of the kid. It is cause the parent is pissed off.

For me and Ben, hitting is NOT an option. But I know some parents do use an occasional smack on the bottom. If it works for them, I am not going to cast stones. But I can not think of any good reason to put hot sauce on your kid's tongue, wash their mouth out with soap, beat them with a belt, and WTF is up with beating kids w/ wooden spoons????? Please explain what that does for your kid?

Have there been times that I have been frustrated. You betcha. Have I had to give myself a time out to get myself together. Again, you betcha. Do I have all the answers, no freaking way. But I do try to come up with solutions that help me discipline when I have to and at the same time not crush my kid's spirits. My daughter is 2 and a half. She is supposed to be testing the limits. This is normal. It is my job to teach her what is acceptable, not beat the crap out of her and crush her spirit and self esteem. I want her to question the limits. I want her to be a thinker. And then there is my son, who is 8 mths today. What is there to discipline? He is a freaking baby. I am teaching him the word NO, but at 8 mths, he doesn't have the memory to really get it yet.

When you have had to watch your kid on life support, not sure if they were going to live, it reminds you how precious life is. For me, it reaffirmed even more that I would NEVER raise a hand to my kids. It's not that they don't drive me bonkers on occasion, but I THANK GOD EVERY DAY for them - even when they make me bonkers. I would die a million deaths before harming a hair on their head. And my husband feels the same way.

Parenting is hands on and requires a lot a patience and love. It is not for everybody. You know, to adopt a pet from the pound, you have to fill out an application and they often need referals and do backround checks. It's harder to adopt a pet than to be a parent. Isn't that ashame?

If you don't like what I am saying, then go beat yourself in the head with a wooden spoon until you forget or maybe some hot sauce in your eyes to blind you from my words... but this is my blog and this is my opinion.

was busy tonight, but I made $115.00! WOO HOO! It is easy though and everyone is nice. I do miss the kiddos a lot, but it is nice to get a break. They have asked me to work this Thurs. night too. And too boot, I had a few customers compliment me to the boss. I guess after years of restaurant management, I can still walk the walk as a server - only w. out the stress! lol!

Off to bed. Will try to blog more tomorrow!

So the past few nights the kids have both been getting up. I think Kit is teething and has a cough from swallowing too much saliva and his mind is on the go-go cause he just started crawling. He would get up and just not want to go back to sleep. And by the time he finally was sleep, Sam woke up from all the noise. She's never easy to get to sleep under the best of circumstances. So if I said that I have gotten 4 hours of sleep the past few nites - that would be looking on the bright side.

In light of my lack of sleep, I was on a mission last night. Both kids were going to sleep at a reasonable time and I was going to bed early. Kit acually went along with my plan and was soundly sleeping in his crib by 8 pm. Then there was Sam, who had other plans. She did not want to go to sleep. I should have just brought her up to her bed, but she can be so darned cute when she wants to stay up. So I was bad and let her fall alseep on the sofa with me. It must have been 10:30 pm when Ben carried her to her bed.

As the thunder storms started, Ben and I packed off to bed - even though I was very tempted to chat with my friends online - and we were tucked up by 11:15 pm. The thunder and lightening were quite grand but also noisy and woke up Kit. I went into Kit's room and brought him into bed and nursed him back to sleep. The thunder got so loud that it made me jump a few times, but neither of my guys noticed as they slept next to me. Both father and son slept on. I decided that Kit most of woke the first time cause he was hungry and that I was safe to bring him back to his crib. At this point it was around 11:45 pm.

The air conditioner had finally cooled the room down and the ceiling fan was gently circulating the air as I tucked up in bed with cool cotten sheets against my skin. I was nodding off when I heard the loudest crash of lightening I ever heard. In that split second, we lost all power. My air conditioner was no longer blowing nor can I feel cool air on my face and the entire house was filled with darkness.

Sam does not like the dark, so I was quick to make my way to a flash light. I went down stairs to grab two cell phones that we have that have flash lights in them. I put on of the lights in Sam's room and the other in the hall. As I crawled back onto bed, I felt the room get hotter as Ben snored away. After awhile Kit woke up cause he was hot and cranky. I nursed him again and then rocked him back to bed, which he slept for a whole 20 mins. We repeated this for about an hour. Suddenly I thought to cool him down by sponging him with a cool wash cloth. That made him very dozy and I was able to get him back to sleep for awhile.

By 2:00 am I called the electric company and was informed that they know of the problem but it was going to be awhile before we had power. It felt like my house got hotter as my blood pressure started to rise. Logically I knew that it was no one's fault - we lost power due to a storm - but it seemed unfair that this was the second time in two weeks that we were with out power for a significant time. Wasn't it someone else's turn???? I thought it wise to open all the windows hoping for a nice breeze that some time accompanies summer storms. No such luck, the air was stagnant, but I kept the windows open anyway.

Shortly after I got off the phone with the electric compnay. the baby woke again. This time there was no getting him back to sleep. I tried nursing, rocking, damp wash clothe...and everything I could think off and nothing worked. Luckily he wasn't screaming, just restless, so I let him go. He finally fell asleep by 3:00 am and I passed out - hot and sticky - yet Ben snored on! And luckily so did Samantha.

At 4:30 I woke again when the still, hot silence stirred with noise. To my delight, the power was back on. I got up and shut all the windows I had opened and quickly turned back on the air conditioners. I shut my eyes as fast as possible and went to sleep.

The kids decided that 6:30 am would be a great time to wake up, so here I sit again with a bad night's sleep. I am so insanely tired...I pray that the kiddos decide to take a nap at the same time so I can sneak one in too.

Kit also has been very clingy and want me to hold him ALL the time and then tries to crawl up me, so I took this moment while he's being distracted by Samantha to blog a bit. With being so freaking tired, I haven't had much time or energy to do anything just for me. It's been all about the kiddos and coffee and the kiddos and more coffee and the kiddos and even more coffee. Have I said how much I have been drinking coffee lately?

So the mantra for today is as follows... kids nap together, no more power loss, coffee. Can you say it wit mer? Kids nap together, no more power loss, coffee...

and have not blogged... I could list many excuses, but instead, I choose to just blog...

Started my p/t job last nite. Very nice people, easy work, friendly boss and decent money. I made 70 bucks for 4 hours worth of work. Yeay! I will be doing 1 day a week until Sept and then I will be doing 2. It was hard leaving the kiddos, but I knew they were in good hands. Once I got there though, it was nice just being Wendy for awhile and although I had responsibilites, there aren't really hard - especially after being mom 24/7 for the past 2.5 years. It was nice to be on my own for a little and even better to get paid for it!

Ben said the kids were fine until bed-time. After he put Sam to bed, he heard her get out and he found her in our bedroom, crying at our window, "Where's momma...come home momma..." And she refused to go back to bed. So Ben let her fall asleep on the sofa. So when I got home, I carried her up to bed and cuddled with her for awhile. Then Kit woke up and I got to nurse him. I was happy to get home and spend time with each of the kiddos.

On Sunday we went to Sheri's house and what a blast! Sheri and Don had so much yummy food - I don't think I stopped eating all day! Joanne & Frank were there with the kiddos too. We missed the rain, so we were able to swim. The kids all played SOOOO well with each other and it was nice to just hang out with the adults. :) Their house is beautiful. with a nice back yard and lovely neighbors (moo cows!). Sheri looks great and has lost a lot of weight and sent me home with many clothes that no longer fit her. I told her that I am bringing her whenever I have to go clothes shopping cause she finds really great stuff! Now my closest has lots of cool clothes in it instead of the usual crappy clothes - lol!

Kit fought me on getting to sleep tonight. So I had to let the poor thing CIO a little. I hated to do it, but nothing else was working. And there gets a point where they cry no matter what you do, I felt myself losing patience, so I figured if he's going to scream anyway, it may as well be in his bed. After 20 mins, he fell asleep. Does that make me a horrible mother?

And poor Sam lost out on her mommy time cause I was up and down with Kit so much before letting him CIO. So I let her fall asleep on my lap and now she is sleeping on the sofa.

I haven't been on the boards, IM, or anywhere. Just call me loser-head, but the time is just flying by and I can't seem to catch up and I am so gawd awful tired. More later as the saga I call my life goes on...

August 12th 2002 - to the ER with Sam cause she was sick and when we called the nurse, she thought Sam was having seizures...

August 12th 2003 - Sam had her accident and off the hospital for emergency surgery and then the PICU...

August 12th 2004 - Sam spiked a fever of 104 and started projectile vomiting. When we called the nurse, they thought she might be having an allergic reaction to the antiboitic she is on for a UTI, so once again to the ER...

Can I just skip August 12th next year please?

went great. The kids had a blast! But I think Ben and I had the most fun. It was really nice to be able to just celebrate Sam's life. Things almost fell apart beforehand though... The pony lady almost had to cancel and didn't tell me til Sunday. But luckily she didn't cancel.

We had great weather. The kiddos were so cute in their cowboy hats and running around with their hobbie horses. The real pony, Rosey, was really sweet and gentle. I didn't burn the cupcakes! The digital camera's batteries did die, but I had an instant camera, so photos will be coming soon.

Now all we have to get thru is tomorrow. I do feel like that with going to the hospital tomorrow and saying thank you to everyone, that hopefully we will be laying to rest a very hard chapter of our lives and maybe it won't keep haunting us so much. There are no words to decribe the horror of what happened... but on the same token, we have so much to be grateful for. I am hoping that this coming year, will be the year of gratefulness...the year to rejoice!

A friend of mine works are a very laid back restaurant and makes decent money. They are willing to hire for 1 or 2 nights and it looks like I may get to work Tues and Weds. nights for a few hours making between 50 and 100 dollars. Ben will be home with the kiddos both nights.

I am torn between being very excited and sad. I am excited cause it would be nice to bring in a little extra cash for Sam's nursery school and food shopping. And I am at the point where I wouldn't mind a few hours a week on my own doing un-mom things. But at the same time, I hate the idea of not being with the kids. For the past 2.5 years, I have spent almost every moment with my kids. I can't imagine not being the one to feed them dinner and putting them to bed at night. But I would be ok with it knowing that it was Ben here with them. And I would get home by 9:00 PM most nights.

We can also really use the money. And I'd be just me for a two nights a week... excited, sad, scared, happy, excited, sad, scared, happy, excited, sad, scared, happy, excited, sad, scared, happy....

I had some DEAD BEAT Ebayer win one of my auctions and now is refusing to pay cause she found it some where else cheaper and is being such a nasty bitch about it. If she had asked nicely from the get-go, I probably would have let her off the hook - no problem. But she has been a real A-hole from the start and now I'm going to F with her! I am SOOOO pissed.

And I am going to report her to Ebay after the initiatal 7 days and I am going to write some MEAN feedback. Grrrr....

Being this is the week of Sam's accident, I thought I'd post something that I jotted down one night before about a month before her accident followed by something I wrote a little over a month after her accident...

Before...

Samantha, age 16 mths.

When I put you down to sleep, most nights you cuddle blueberry and are off to sleep. But sometimes, you will cry and when I come to get you, I find you sitting in the middle of your crib, holding blueberry and sobbing. So I pick you up and bring you downstairs with me. I hold you on my lap and we cuddle as we watch TV together. As you get dozy, you start to babble softly and will pet me. I often will tickle you causing you to laugh so hard. It is so sweet. Then when you get really tired, you will lie on me and cuddle blueberry, chewing his tail. You already have chewed all the fur off his tail; you love to bite his tail. Well the other night, for the first time, you offered me blueberry's tail and would put it in my mouth waiting for me to bite it. You patted me with one hand and were putting blueberry's tail in my mouth as you gently fell asleep. It was the most endearing thing I've every witnessed.

Today you picked up my emery board and I went to get it because you usually try to eat it. Well today you didn't try to eat it. You sat down and started trying to file you toenails. It was so funny.

After...

9/23/03. It is way too late and I am very tired, but I can't sleep. Just found out today that Sam needs to go in for another surgery. Her airway is 50% blocked and the kids ENT wants to go in w/ a bronchoscope to see what is going on and to see if she can get rid of any of it. This means that Sam will be put back on a vent and probably paralyzed again. This thought makes me sick. I thought when she was extubated at LVH PICU that meant we were finished with the vents. Maybe I was foolishly idealistic, but I truly believed.

I sat tonight watching her for the longest time while she slept. Although her stridor is loud, she still slept peacefully. She has no idea what is going to happen to her on Weds and I have no way to explain it to her. I know I will find the strength to be what Sam and Ben need me to be, but right now I am feeling fragile. I just don't know if I can go thru this again. It took every bit of strength I had to make it thru her first hospitalization. I truly thought 19 days in PICU was enough. I was wrong. Every time I think we are almost in the clear, something happens to beat me down again.

Sam has been doing so much better at home. Her skin look great and most people can't believe when I tell them how she was burned. She has started walking again with real confidence and even started dancing and trying to jump. She talks a mile a minute (wonder where she gets that from?) and has been so happy. With being put back on the vent, she will once again regress. I just hope this time with it (hopefully) not being as long; she won't lose anything. Last time, Sam woke and didn't even have head control. She was like a 33lb newborn. She had to relearn everything…head control, turning over, sitting up, crawling, and walking. We have made such headway to be set back again. But I also know that she needs to have this done. Her airway will only get worse if it is not addressed and that is unacceptable. Perhaps that will be my strength. My baby needs to breath. This is necessary.

I just pray that this works and that reconstructive repair (that would involve her getting a trach) isn't needed. And vainly, I hope they don't mess up any of her teeth. (I was told today that sometimes that can happen and even though they are baby teeth, I don't want her to lose any yet.)

Well, I'm still not tired, but writing did help a bit, so I am going to try to get some sleep. Sam needs her mommy strong and Christopher needs me to keep myself together so he can continue to grow inside of me. God I hope Sam is better by the time he is born. I just want her to experience being a big sister with out any other crap.