Ben has been working CrAzY hours with Christmas almost being here.   Such is the nature of sales.  Well he was supposed to be home early tonight but had to wait of some asshole who was supposed to come back at 5 and didn't get there til 7.  Ben called and told me what was going on.  I told him that I was fine with it.  That me and the kids were doing the things that we normally do and we weren't waiting on him.  He said that made him sad.  I further explained that it was easier to just keep them in their routine.  I understood that he was busy but what if I had adjusted their schedule for him?  That would mean that I would have 2 dirty kids who had not eaten dinner at 7pm.  This was they were clean and fed.  And the pressure should be off, so that when he gets home, he can just come home and relax.  Ben said that made him feel better.  I think he was expecting me to go ape-shit on him.

He then asked what else we had done today.  I told him about making cupcakes with the kiddos, writing letters to Santa, reading books, learning about the letter I today.... and our usual routine.  He sounded lonely.  He said he could never be one of those dad's who was never home.  He was having enough trouble with horrible hours just for a month.

So Ben finally got home at 8:30pm.  I had a pork roast done and we saved him a cupcake.  (The kids and I made them for me to bring into work tomorrow and for Ben to bring into work.  Both the kids LOVED helping and eating the batter off the mixers, lol.  Sam is looking forward to making Baby Kit's bday cake with me later this week, but again I digress.)  Well Ben came home with a BIG box and inside was my FAVORITE icecream cake from Dairy Queen!  OMG!  I asked what it was for and he told me that it was for being so understanding and supportive.  I was like AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...  And cut into that bad boy really fast!

Isn't that so sweet!  Mayo is still gross but DQ icecream is Mighty F-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-NE!

Other stuff...  I know I am driving you guys crazy with not peeing on my stick yet (notice the change to yellow for the new topic, lol!).  But I am really afraid.  This is unplanned.  Yet, I still do not know what I am hoping for. 

On one hand, I am losing a lot of weight.  I am happy on my crazy meds.  I am supposed to get a cortizone shot in my foot in January to help with the pain.  All our bedrooms are filled.  Our house is small.  We are poor.  Ok, not like dirt poor, but we are budgeted and live modertly and modestly.  But we have TIVO and DSL, so I guess we are middle class, not poor.  Once again, I digress.  She what happens when my brain works overtime?  LOL! 

Oh the other hand, how could I not want another child?  Especially a miracle pg because I was always so freaking difficult to get preggers.  I adore my kids.  I love being a mother and if money was no object, I'd keep having kids - lots and lots.  I always knew from a very early age that I wanted to be a mom and it is even better than I dreamed.  I know the lack of sleep the first few months would be rough, but it is so fleeting and it would be another little one to pour my love, time and energy into.  What a wonderful thing to do, to shape the life of another human being.  There is no greater priveledge.

And then there would be telling Ben....

Ok, and who knows what twinges are?  I never had them with either pg, but today it was almost like I could feel a flicker on my right side.  It was weird.  Is that a freaking twinge?  I still have a billion of the cheapie internet HPTs.  They expired last month, but I think they are ok.  So who know, maybe I will break down and pee on a stick sooner than later.  My mind is still swimming.  A big part of me is really afraid that if I start to believe, truly believe that I am pg, then AF will arrive here.  Even if the bitch is late.  Can we say round and round?
Well at least I have some good icecream cake!