• I have been feeling really tired, not myself, and at the end of my rope lately.  I think part of it is I am 7 and half months pregnant.  I also think Ben has been busy with his new position and everything in the house has all fallen to me as well as normal day to day and my own work while being pregnant.  With the holidays, I have been busy getting everything ready, cleaned, cooked, wrapped and decorated.  Not to mention that I have been getting ready for the baby - going thru all the old clothes and stuff.  Going thru the attic was a 3 day job - I spent 11 hours the first day alone.  I have not bitched, complained, asked for help or any extra consideration even with being preggo.  I have even picked up extra shifts and made time to sell things on Ebay to try to help ends meet and cover the extra costs of Christmas.  I went to Sam's school play by myself, with Kit, video in one hand, camera in the other so that Ben would not miss anything.

Last week, I had gotten pissed when he didn't put back my 409 and it took me 30 mins to find it, left the kitchen a freaking pit from when I worked the nite before, dishwasher full and I was trying to get the kids ready and out by 8:30.  I called him on the phone and told him that I had HAD it and I needed some help.  He was too busy to call me all day at work.  Pissed me off even tho he is in retail and I am sure he was really busy.  Friday night we went out but never really talked about it cause we were out on a date and God knows we do not get a lot of them.  So I mentioned again that I feel not like myself and on edge.

The day of Sam's Chirstmas concert, I had made video of the concert and of some stuff afterwards.  I asked him to watch it but something always came up and I guess he couldn't find the 10 minutes to do it.

Fast forward today... when we were showing my mom Sam's concert on the video, he taped over the past after that I had taped with Christmas this morning.  I was pissed and it really hurt my feelings.  It is not the end of the world, but I think because I have been feeling so taken for granted anyway, that I just saw red.  I gave him a hard time about it in front of my mom.  I know I shouldn't have, but I was so mad.  He left the room and went up stairs.

My mom then said that I shouldn't have done that (which I knew).  Ben is a good guy guy and has a lot on his plate now with a new job and a new baby coming (really?  And I don't?)... I bit my mouth.  But I wanted to say and how much more am I supposed to freakling bend cause I already feel like a soft pretzel.  We spend LOTS of time talking about his new job and discusing things... 

So my mom went down to the playroom with Sam and I went upstairs to apologize for saying something in front of my mom.  I told him I knew I was wrong.  But when I tried to explain why I acted out of character, we just argued.  Luckily my dad and Kit were both sleeping and my mom and Sam were still in the basement (playroom).  I do not even know if I can explain how it feels.... it's like he regugitates what I say yet somehow I am coming off as just having a go at him and he is a martyr... "I never do anything nice for you...."  When all I want him to do is put himself in my shoes for 5 minutes.  By the end we made up but I still feel really upset.  I love him and for the most part he is a really great guy.  I think the problem is that I make things too easy for him on a regular basis and he takes me for granted with out thinking about it.  In my mind, I say to myslef, stop doing so much... but that is how I am.  

But at the end of they day I am 7 and half months pregnant, busting my ass with the family, the house, the bills (I do them), doc appts (which are a lot cause I am high riskj) and work (which is waitressing so I am on my feet), getting ready for the baby (which I have done EVERYTHING myself so far...) and I have not asked for one ounce of help or special consideration.  Am I just being a bitch cause I at least expect him to notice or take the time to watch a 10 minute video that I made of the kids?  And lets not even talk about not being able to sleep cause the pain in my crotch actually wakes me up on the off hours when I am not up peeing.  I go back and forth between the sofa and a chair.

And then of couse, it felt great to bawl for an hour after I busted my ass to make Christmas nice for everyone.  Luckiily no one else expect him really knew.

On a happy note, the kids woke early and were thrilled with all their pressents.  When Sam saw how many gifts, she screamed on the top of her lungs, "OH MY GOD!"  She and Kit are still busy playing gleefully.  They were really happy with everything we picked and the when my parents showed up, it was like a second Christmas...

Kit has Sam's cold, only his is in his chest.  I am using the cold air vaporizor for him.  He has a well visiti on 1/2, so if his cold isn't better by then we are going to the doctor anyway.

So don't I sound like such a pathetic jackass on Christmas.  I can't help it.  I do love my husband.  He is not a bad guy, infact he comes home every night, does not do the bar thing, does not cheat, is good with not spending money and I know he loves me... but I still am not liking him so much right now.  I am so tired.  All I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head for the next month. 

Hope everyone has had a nice, stress-free Christmas!