Yeah, I'm grunpy - it is true.  But I just weaned again off the crazy meds (now every other day), I have a nasty cold, I have been spotting then bleeding for 7 days so far, and I generally feel like crap.  And then Ben brings up that he just doesn't know if he wants another baby.

GRRRRR.... can he pick a crummier time?

We have been going back and forth.  All his reason are stupid logic - house not big enough, he doesn't like the infant stage, the hospital sucks, we hae 1 boy and 1 girl, bleh, bleh, bleh.  But I don't care because where I am coming from is my heart.  Then he says that he just thought we were done at 2?  I was like where's ya get that from?  I NEVER said just 2 - I have always talked about at least 3.

Long story short, when we first got together, Ben got upset about something and said to me that if I wanted to be with him that I just had to accept certain things about him.  I thought about that and that was fine and fair enough.  I accepted that 9 years ago.  But now I feel like why isn't the same appilcable to me?

It's not like I haven't always been upfront about wanting a large family.  Shit, before we got pg with Sam, he used to turn green at the thought of being a parent.  And then we had Sam and he fell totallyin love with her.  It literally took me several years of nagging him until he was willing to try (and then it took 2 years to get pg with her).

After Sam was born, I had to argue with him again.  He only wanted one.  He was sure - blah, blah, blah.  Then Kit was born and he now is totally in love with him too.  So WTF?  Do I have to argue with him everytime when he ends up being even happier than he was before.

The funny thing is Ben LOVES being a dad and is a GREAT dad.  So I do not get it.

I am so freaking frustrated.  All I wanted my whole life is to be a mom (which I am and I am so thankful for).  It just doesn't seem fair to deny me one last chance.  And that makes this m/c even more painful because what if that was my last chance?  Not only do I have the loss but now the end? 

Then I get mad because I have NEVER said no to anything Ben has ever wanted.  Ok, none was ever as big as having a baby, but still - I have NEVER said no.  I ahve given up my whole life, packed my bags and moved to Edinburgh with him.  I found a job and supported him when he went to University.  Anything and everything he has ever wanted,,,,grrr,,, and I have never really asked for anything in returm except to have a family.

He says that he has not made his final decision, but if it was a jury , right now there are more no votes then yes.  I know he didn't use this analogy to sound cavalier but it made me want to kick him in the balls.  I am no OJ freaking Simpson.  This is my heart that we are talking about !

I know that I can't make him want to try for another.  But darn it, it he says no then he gets his way - (like always) and I am screwed.  And I feel like that I am going to be resentful the rest of my life.  I have never made any secrets about who I am and what I want.  And it just kills me because I know, I KNOW, that he'd look at all 3 of the kiddos and not be able to imagine what it would be like with out any of them.  I know it! 

He has never been able to visualize what it would be like before the kiddos came - both times.  Before both of their births he kept saying that it seemed really far away until they were actually born.  Maybe it is a guy thing.  But I couild always imagaine and the reality of it was even more beautiful than the dream.  And I know with a 3rd, that it would just be complete.  As a woman, I think we just know.

So why, when he loves me so much, is he willing to break my heart?  How can I make him see?