So, to boot, today AF shows up early. I was surprised earlier this month cause I O-ed earlier than usual, so I was all hopeful that maybe my LP was staightening out. I actually missed the freaking O (we had sex but it was purely coincidental...). Well low and behold, ten days after the suspected O, I start to spot today. So of course, I still hope it is late implantation, right? Doubt it. Feels like a good kick in the ass. Every month is the same, a kick in the teeth.
Ben is still on the fence about it, but I just feel like that my miracle of no medication is NEVER going to happen, so I just want to fill that danmed RX of Clomid that has been stuck on the side of my fridge since bloody February. I know he isn't sure yet, but I feel like my time is running out. I just turned 36 and I feel like I am losing what is left of my time to do this one more time.
The situation sucks because I understand that it is not fair to make him have another child if her really doesn't want another one, but at the same time, it is not fair to deny me either. I swear, as a wife, I do not ask for a whole lot. (Yes, I know this is a biggie...) And it is so important to me. I just can't seem to find the words to get it thru to him that I KNOW, I KNOW we are meant to have another. I feel the ache all the time. It just makes me want to cry sometimes.
Then to boot, a friend of mine just told me yesterday that they are thinking of having a 3rd. She swore up and down she didn't want anymore. But now her DH wants one, so she thinks she might. What really sucks is she is ALWAYS complaining about how her kids drive her nuts and never really had anything good to say about being a parent. Honesty, so why is her DH going to let her have another one and my DH is on the freaking fence? I am a great mom and I love it so. It's not that I don't have my occasional moment, we all do, but for the most part and I am really upbeat and clearly happy with being a SAHM mom.
I want to say my life sucks, but that is not true... I have a wonderful DH (even if we are at odds on this) and the two most beautiful kiddos in the world - both of whom I absolutely adore and am soooo proud of. I just paid off all our debt today. I have a nice house. We live modestly, but happily. And I am blessed with some wonderful friends. I am just sad about this one thing. Unfortunatly it is a big thing and I pray that Ben sees my point and I do not have to go thru the rest of my life aching for something I may never have.
BTW, new music. As if I am not depressed enough....
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Friday, April 8
When it rains it pours...
by
welee
on Fri 08 Apr 2005 07:37 PM PDT
GRRRRRRR...
by
welee
on Fri 08 Apr 2005 07:36 PM PDT
So I just get off the phone with my mom. Sh e is upset cause the house is dirty and wanted to vent. Then she has the NERVE to say that she should have come up here so she wouldn't have to look at the mess! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... Stupid or selfish? I haven't decided....
I was nice, curt, but nice and simply said that when you do home improvements, the house gets dirty, That is just the way it is, so deal with it. (BTW, the kitchen isn't even finished, so why the frig is she cleaning it anyway????? I mean a lite clean up after my dad has finished sure, but a super clean... why bother??? He still has flooring to finish...) She didn't stay on the phone long with me cause I do not think I was giving her the sympathy she wanted. Truthfully? I don't give a rats behind that her house is dirty.... Luckily the stupid gene was passed to the Wack-a-doodle and not me. I swear to pikles, I must be adopted because I am NOTHING like my relations. |
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