So tonight was busy.  I ended up having basically 2 stations as well as hosting.  Instead of a thank you, I was told by bosses wife that my last friday of each month was no longer mine.  They needed to give it to a 15 year old.  When I asked why, I was told it wasn't really my shift.  Really?  I have only been working it for a year and a half now... 

I also switched my Tues night with the Monday night girl so I can take the kids trick or treating.  Everyone else trades.  Well bosses wife tells me that she can work my Tues but I can not work her Monday.  Apprarently only I am not allowed to switch. 

I waited for wife to leave and asked boss about it.  He was dumbfounded why I'd be upset.  It was only one shift.  Uh, and like 100 bucks from my pocket.  Duh, I am not rich thus me working....  And he did not know about the Monday.  He said I can come in the Monday. 

I pressed that I am reliable and that I am there for the money.  Hello, I have kids, this is not extra beer money or shopping money.  Like they give 2 shits.

I sucked it up cause the cash is good most of the time.  But, man, I feel like I left my self respect at the front door.  I have kids, so I will put up with it - but man, I really hate it and boy do I wish I could tell them to fuck off right now.  I am so pissed.

Been following nurse's advice and not stressing.  Had sex twice and NO bleeding!!!!!  (And it was GOOD sex too, LOL...)  I did get PPAF 2 weeks ago and maybe that was the problem before hand.  Had awful radiate ovary pain, but that could be O-ing and PCOS hand in hand.  So over all, not thinking C word anymore and I won't go back there unless Doc says too.

Still working out.  Did not use inhaler today before and had nasty asthma attack.  An appt with pumlinologist in 1.5 weeks.  I was calm tho and used my inhaler and was fine.

Susanna stood yesterday with out holding onto anything and tried to walk.  Her cruising days are numbered and she will be walking soon.

Sam wants to learn to play the guitar!

Kit knows the complete ABC's and sings them to Susanna all the time.

Sam and Kit have nick named Susanna, Kiki.  Where they got that who knows?

We are taking the kids to the My Little Pony Live Show next week.  We have 8th row, center stage tickets.  You know you are a parent when that gets you all jazzed, LOL.

Found a women's group locally that I met with Monday night and it was awesome!!!!

This summer I will be taking Sam away for a few days to a woman's gathering in Northern PA.  It just for women and girls - all about the strength and spirit of being a woman.  I am very excited!!!!!!!  Ben is so supportive about it and will watch Kit and Susanna for me.  When Susanna gets bigger she can come to.  I will make sure that Kit and I get some quality one on one special time before we go.

Kristin has the sweetest u/s pics I have ever seen.  :)

Too much to do, not enough time.  Must get kids down for nap and ready for work.  Peace, Love and Happiness.  :) 

The nurse called actually.  She said not to stress at this point.  If I have any other bleeding in the next 3 weeks, then I have to have a D&C.  I guess that means I actually have to have sex again, heaven knows with all of this I just feel oh-so-sexy...

It seems like lately all I have blogged about are bad things.  It just seems like health has not been at it's best in my house.  I have not blogged about one issue I have been having for awhile, but today I am going to because it is the root of my fear, thus this entry.... 

I have been having bleeding after sex.  I have had this in the past when pg, but being I am not pg, I decided to call my GYN.  They scheduled me for an appt.  At the appt, he tried to find my cervix, but after 20 mins or so with every speculum in the office, he could not find it.  It was way to high.  So he had me go in for a u/s.

The u/s itself was a PIA.  Being not pg, I had to drink a ton by 7:45 cause the u/s was sch for 8:30.  Well they were running behind and by 9:30 I told them I was going to wet myself.  Soon they called me in.  The u/s tech was having trouble getting all my uterus cause it was so long and big.  She was going to make me wait another 15 mins.  I was like, "uh, no cause I will pee on your table."  It was close to 10 by this point.  She said we could do a vaginal u/s and I didn't have to have a full bladder for that.  Why didn't they give me that option to begin with!!!!

During the u/s she told me that my uterus is over 2 cm bigger than normal and then let it slip that there was fluid in it.  When I asked what they meant.  She got very evasive and tried to back step and say they didn't learn about that at u/s school.  From that point on, she didn't really tell me anything else, but became much nicer.  After I got dressed, she walked me to the door, the outside on of the building and pressed on me to call my doctor soon for the results.  It was odd, but at the time I wasn't really thinking about what it meant.

That night after work, I put my symptoms into google, just to see what came up.  I often do this to get a heads up.  Well I wasn't expecting the answer I got. 

Before I go further let me preface that I KNOW that a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.  I also know that I could be completely wrong and all this worry can be for nothing.  Unfortunately logic and emotion do not always connect.

Well these two things are symptomatic of cancer in the uterus, specifically the lining.  My find immediately flashed to my uncle who was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 weeks later (pancreatic) and my great grandmother died on uterine cancer.  Altho I am not post menstrual (a big factor with this), I have PCOS, I am overweight, I was GD (diabetes a factor) and I have high estrogen (after births).

As my mind began to reel, I decided to cross reference asthma with this tidbit of information.  We still have not been able to figure out what has triggered my asthma to be so bad (this is the worst it has ever been).  And some women who have asthma, it gets worse when hormonal things happen.  Oddly enough, my bleeding issues and asthma started around the same time.

I am waiting on my doctor to call me back.  I am pretty sure that he will schedule me for a D&C.  They can test the cells and fluid to see what it going on.  The u/s tech let that slip.  So here I wait.

Again this may be nothing.  However, at my age, cancer is a word that I never expected to hear.  I am trying not to let it overtake my thoughts.  But as I watch my kids, I can't even imagine that they could grow up with out a mother.  (Things being the worst that it...)  All I can hope that IF there is a problem, we caught it early.  I would just tell them to take everything out and that G-d that I have the 3 wonderful kids that I do have.

I can deal with the prospect of a hysterectomy.  I can deal with the thought of chemo and/or radiation - no hair and all.  I can not deal with the thought of not being here with my husband and children.

Today the doc listened to my chest and told me that my chest is horribly tight.  I am using my abuterol every 4 hours and the Singular does not do anything for me.  We talked about my nursing.  He said I should stop and then I could be put on oral steroids.  I said NO.  He understood even tho disagreed and then referred me to a pulminologist.  I have an appt in 3 weeks.

Later today when getting Sam's flu shot, the ped asked me what was wrong.  She said she could hear me breathing as soon as she walked in the door.  I told her about my asthma.  She said that with nursing I could use a neb with Pulmicort.  She has asthma as well and she said it really helps her.  She also reassured me that since it goes straight to my lungs, the amt transferred to Susanna would be minimal.

After we left, I called my doc and pushed for it.  I got the pulmicort today, but can't get my neb til tomorrow.  I am hoping it will work and the permanent vice grip on my lungs lets up.  I am so tired of being tired, hearing myself breath and feeling like the fat lady from the circus has permanently planted her ass on my chest.

On a happier note, Susanna can now pull herself up.  This child is going to be my earliest walker yet!!!!!!

 

We are finally cootie free in the House of Lee... YEAY!!!!!  This weekend, some of my (nice) cousins were going to Knoebels, which is an amusement park in central PA.  Even tho it wasn't really in the budget, we decided to go for the weekend too.  We actually did not go until Sat cause I worked Fri night (which was well worth it cause I made 165 and that pretty much covered everything aside from the hotel and a few meals out...).

We left Sat after Sam's swim lessons and got there about 2 hours before the park closed.  The park is VERY kids centric.  It is closed after summer, but opens for 1 weekend in Oct for a HUGE craft show.  The timing was perfect cause it let us go on a few rides and blow off some steam before going back to the hotel.  The hotel had a restaurant, which was very cheap yet very tasty!  We had a yummy dinner and then caught up with with my cousins.

We saw K & M first.  They are kid free (so far) but will be getting married next Oct.  We chatted for a bit.  K gave us 2 beer for me and Ben later.  It has been ages since I had a beer, lol.  She offered more, but we are light weights now, so I said no.  :)  We then went to B & A's room.  They were settling the kids down for bed.  J is 3 and A is 1, so they also have early bedtimes.  Ben took Sam and Kit on an adventure so K, A and I could chat in the hallway (all women) as Susanna sat and played.

It was fun chatting but also made me miss my gal pals who I usually do the hotel hallway gabbing with.  :)

After a bit, Susanna and I met Ben and the kids upstairs.  He had Sam and Kit in bed watching 1 show before sleep.  I nursed Susanna and she passed right out.  She then went right to sleep in the crib.  I swear that child is the sweetest thing.  She is just so sweet and so good.  Sam and Kit would NEVER have gone to sleep so easily.  Sam and Kit passed out about a half hour later (in part to a trick my friend Michelle taught me, lol...).

Ben and I packed some cards  (a game called Magic) and while the kids slept, we played and drank our beer.  Cause we were sharing a room with the kids, we did not want to put on the TV, which ended up being better.  We played for several hours and chatted and hung out.  It was really nice.  We used to play cards a lot before the kids and we haven't in ages.  It was so nice to just play.

I ended up with all the kids in bed with me.  I didn't mind.  Truthfully, I LOVE having the kidlets in bed with me.  Ben got a nice big bed to himself, which he also did not mind, lol.

The next day, we had breakfast with all our cousins and headed to the park.  We had SUCH a nice time.  Sam and Kit braved up to go on both the kiddie roller coaster and the haunted house.  Sam loved both, Kit not so much, lol... but he wanted to try, so we said yes.  We talked about the haunted house being pretend, so he was OK with it. 

There were TONS of kiddie rides and of course we hit them all MANY, MANY times over.  I just LOVE watching the joy on the kids faces as they experience things that are just so new and wonderful.  It is more fun than doing it myself.

The men all went on the bumper cars together and LOVED that.  They may get bigger, but they are ALL still boys at heart, lol.  We spent some of the day as a large group but then some of it on our own.  It was really nice.  We can't wait for next year.

Here are some pics...

A very passed out Kit!

Daddy and the kiddos hanging out.

Momma and Susanna watching the big kids ride.

A very cute Susanna.

Sam and Kit on the Frogger saying "Rib it!"

Everyone loves the bumper cars.

Sam and Kit LOVED the Whip.  The went on 3x In a row.

Sam showing her very special fairy necklace the Momma got for her.

 

 

 

Guess who now has blisters on her hands, feet and mouth????? Samantha???? No.  Susanna???  Not any new ones.  Yes, folks, me... I am a grown up 37 year old woman with H F & M.

Excuse me for a moment... O$%)($@_@#)*$_@(#*$)@%()&(*&#_*!_@)#$(_@$%@#&$*&@y()%*&@#$)%_@#)$(*_#@)($*_ #*%)_$@#()@_#$98349!!!!!!!!!!!  .

Ok, now that I got that out, I am going to take some Mortin and go to bed. Just wanted to share my joyous news. 

The blisters popped out today.  Luckily she is doing better.  I found a remedy of mixing even amounts of Mylanta and liquid benadryl numb the sores in her mouth.  I use a q-tip to apply.  She was actually crawling today and playful.  She crawled to the stairs and tried climbing them.  Luckily not sucessfully.  I mean, hello Susanna, you are only 6 1/2 months... 

I now think it was what Sam had a few weeks ago.  Suzanne, Susanna did not have crazy temps, but Sam did a few weeks ago.  She also had blisters in her throat.  Kit then had crazy fevers but that is it. 

From what I gather, H F & M hit kids differently.  Some kids do not get any symptoms.

Now poor Ben has blisters in his mouth.  I am never going to be germ free again!!!!  My guess is we caught the cooties at child watch in the gym. Alas, that is a necessary evil if I ever plan on finding my feet again.  And I guess the more antibodies the better, right????

I still think my doc could have been more sympathetic.  And if I could find the remedy for pain relief (Benadryl Mylanta thing...), shouldn't he have that?????

So many questions, so little sleep, lol....

Linda and Susan, I did not mean to miss you guys (and anyone else I missed...) on my shout out entry.  The more kids, the less brain cells I have....

Boy do I wish I was going to be in Disney.  Altho with Susanna having H F & M, I guess it is good we aren't going.  Have fun everyone.

Nighty, night!!!

 

 

Susanna is sick.  The doc thinks it is Coxsackie, however, no blisters on hands or feet.  She does have a few in the mouth tho and eating/drinking is awful.  She doesn't even want to nurse which kills me.  My kids have always wanted to nurse, even when sick. 

Susanna is usually the happiest, most pleasant child ever.  To see her so fussy is just awful.  Even Motrin is not helping with enough relief to make her want to nurse.  We have been watering down baby fruit and feeding her liquids by a spoon.  So far, she is at least hydrated.

The doc today didn't seem to on the money.  We use a practice of peds and I do not particularly like this doc.  It could be Coxsackie, but since he didn't even swab for anything and also said it could also be herpes 1 (Which btw, no one in our house has...) and/or the chicken pox - we'd have to wait and see...  I am thinking of taking her to our family doc instead.

I HATE when the kids are sick.  I wish it were me 10x over than them even once.  My poor Susanna.

I received the following email today from a close friend/relative (who btw, I love very much....).  It had two things in it and this was the 2nd thing.  I will let you read it and then I will tell my thoughts on it afterwards...

 

 

I must say that I found this offensive.  Don't get me wrong, I HATE terrorism and I wish terrorists a special place in hell.  However, as I read this, all I could think was what about muslim/americans who may receive this email.  How would that make them feel?  If my kids read (if they could read yet...) my email, what would this email be teaching them?  Racial slurs are racial slurs.  Towel head, Kike, Wet back, Nigger, Mic, Chink... all are equally awful and I want no part of any. 

If you look at any race, you will find both good and bad.  Spreading hatred and bigiotry is not what I want to teach my children and how I want to lead my life.

What is even more ironic, is the person who sent it is Jewish.  Tolerance...  I wish there was more of it in the world.

I have been running like a maniac and working extra shifts, so I am SOOOO behind on blogs, boards and emails....  So many of you have been on my mind and in my prayers (and I DO mean that!)

Michelle, I am glad that Gabe is head ache free and everything so far went well!!!  Also YEAY for Fayeth and growing so well!!!  :)

Suzanne - thank you for the email and hug.  I needed it.  I know by the board that I missed something.  I hope that you are doing well cause you are geniunely caring and kind.  (((HUGS back at you!!!)))

Carie - hugs for you and Conor.  I do not look forward to those moments.  I hope his head is feeling better and your heart.

Kristin & Jen - hope your pg selves are feeling well.

Tiff - Gage is gorgues.  He and Susanna will look great together.

Lynn - hope your saint and prayers get the trailer sold.

Jess - If I haven't said it... congrats on your new home!!!!!

Laura, Amy, Renee, Ari, Karen, Sarah - if you guys are lurking... HI!!!!

Susanna needs to nurse and I have 5 hours to get some sleep til Kit wakes up.  So, I am back to running.  Miss you guys!!! Will update on my mental status later.  Not in the crazy house yet.....

 

 

Many people died in a horrible terrorist attack on 9/11.  Today, my blog entry is dedicated to one of those people lost in a senseless act of terror.

Andrew Fredericks, age 40.

Place killed: World Trade Center. Resident of Suffern, N.Y. (USA).

Many prayers to all those who lost family and friends.  May all those who died, rest in peace.  May those responsible, I believe Karma will pay them back in spades. 

I am the 2017^th blogger to sign up for the 2,996 Tribute project.

One little, two little, three little sick children and one very tired Momma.

Sam came down with a fever on Tues of 105.  Went to the doc on Weds.  Did a strep culture.  Had to wait a few days.  Started meds just in case.  She started getting better.  Culture came back neg.  Who know what it was.  Luckily meds worked.

Last night both Kit and Susanna got sick.

Haven't slept thru the night cause kids feeling badly.  I hate when they are sick.  Wish I could be if it meant they'd be healthy. 

Altho, they will get better.  And I will sleep again (in about 18 more years...lol)  :)

SUCKS!!!!!  Did you know that there is another Ben and Wendy L## out there now trying to buy crap and have us pay.  BASTARD!!!! 

We are lucky tho that we caught it early - we think.  All credit cards and bank details have been changed.  The items that are not ours have been taken off the credit cards and I called the vendors as well to cancel the fraudalant services.  Stupid theif bought a domain name, online with stolen cc info.  DUH!  There dept is going to try to track the IP address.

We have also had to contact all the credit agencies to put a fraud alert on our credit.  If anyone tries to run credit in our name, they have to call us at a specific phone number before running it.

I have had to contact the FTC and the police.  The police officer was great and works in conjuction with other fraud specialists in the area on breaking up fraud rings.  We will be meeting with him when I get hard copies of all info that he needs.  They need that to prosecute to SOBs.

Needless to say this has been a real PIA.  I hope they catch the SOB and he/she is screwed.  I will be doing EVERYTHING in my power to make that happen.

I never thought this would happen to us.  The only way I see them getting this info is by going thru our trash!  How gross...  I think we will be investing in a shredder.

Sick, sad world...

 

Update Crazy house:

I went to the head shrinker on Tues and she was very nice.  She told me that my stay would be short lived and that if I left with nothing else, that my list of positives FAR outweighed any negatives that I am facing.  (Yeay, I am NOT really insane...)

I was given several things to do for homework.  1.  Buy a notebook.  2. Describe the face of my anxiety.  3.  Keep track of when I have attacks, what triggers them and if I win out or the anxiety does.  4.  How do I view myself.  I have been a good girl and have been doing my homework.  So far I have learned that many of the anxiety trigger come from fear of something bad happening to the kids.  I am not sure what to do with that info, but hey, it is more than I had a week ago.  AND... I do think that stems from Sam's accident.  I really suspect that there is some post traumatic stress contributing... But, hey, that is what the head shrinker is for.  She will help me help myself.

Update Susanna:

My sweet baby is now crawling pretty well and has cut two bottom teeth.  This child is 5.5 months.  She is the baby.  She is the last.  She has a mind of her own like her big sister Samantha.  Heaven help me.

Update McDonald's:

I took the kids to McD's for dinner.  Sam was dying for a Polly Pocket (boy do I dislike those things) and Kit wanted a Hummer.  So we went and then the kids romped around the play gym together while I fed Susanna.  It always surprises me how badly behaved kids are.  What even surprises me even more is how parents ignore their kids while they are eating and then are shocked that they act up.  And I really can't stand seeing someone close to Sam's age sitting in a highchair.  If Kit can sit in a regular chair, c'mon!

So there were were in insanity land.  However, Sam and Kit were sitting in their chairs eating their food while I had Susanna in the highchair eating her Cheerios and applesauce.  And we were... *gasp*... talking to each other.  The kids knew they had to eat most their dinner before playing and both had to be done so they could play together.  When they were done, I reminded them that they were buddies and needed to play together.  Off they went to put their shoes in a cubby.  Kit could not climb the stairs part, so Sam came up with a plan.  She got on all fours, so that Kit could climb on her back to get to the next level.  She then joined him.  They repeated this until they got to the top.  Very shortly after wards they came down the slide and ran over to me to see if I saw what they did.  I praised them and told them that was wonderful team work!  And when we got home Sam would get a lady bug and Kit would get an airplane (a reward magnet board we have).  They cheered and were back off playing.

The lady at the next table asked me if I home schooled.  I answered no, but I had thought about it seriously.  I asked her if she did.  She said no.  I didn't think anything of it at the time. 

Later she was asking if anyone knew what time The Pirate movie started.  I said I could find out and pulled out my phone.  I have a link on my phone web page.  So I looked it up and told her.  She was like, "What can't you do?  And you have 3 kids."  But I am not sure she meant it to be nice.  Between that and the home school comment, I think I was being insulted.  However, that is fine with me.

If I am a weirdo cause I like to talk to my kids, I enjoy teaching them things, and I enjoy their company, then too bad.  It's not that is isn't hard; but, it is exceedingly rewarding.  I talk to my kids all the time.  They help me with the food shop.  We discuss the food and such.  Ben and I both are always trying to do fun and educational things with them.  What is wrong with that?  And excuse me that my kids know how to act in public.  I do not care if it is McDonald's or Lebec freaking Fin.  Good manners are still good manners.

I felt like saying WTF is wrong with homeschooling, organization and decent manners?  But I chose to smile and play with my kids instead. 

Crazy world, eh?

Ben's birthday Update:

The man turned 31 yesterday.  I got out of work early and surprised him with man flowers... aka... a 6 pack of nice imported beer and a nice dinner.  We had celebrated his bday on Monday, our day off, as a family.  The kids and I made a cake and decorated the house.  So Ben got 2 bday parties.

Bed update:

Time for me to go to sleep.  Nighty night!

First, I checked into our insurance about what I need to do to talk to a counselor.  Most benefits you can get on line, but not for mental health.  No, for that you have to call, tell a complete stranger what is going on and then get approved.  Like it isn't hard enough...  But, I called and I got a nice lady.  She approved me for unlimited sessions with both a counselor and a psychiatrist. 

Even better tho, I called one of the counselors and made an appt for Tues.  I am very nervous.  I know the facts and can tell you what is wrong - sort of - I just do not how to get thru it and get to the other side.  So, I do think it will be helpful.  A big part of me is so afraid that I will get there and she will be like, "you are fine.  WHY are YOU here????"

This is a HUGE deal for me.

Second good thing I did today... I told Ben what was going on.  He was so supportive and caring.  I think I have been shutting him out a lot cause I was so afraid of being crazy.  He understood a lot of what I was saying.  He also said he felt bad that he couldn't help me.  I told him that I really think I need an outside perspective to help me right now.  He is too close to me.

Ben also said that he has known (and this is true) that there are many skeletons lurking in me and maybe it a good thing that it is coming to a head.  It may be the most freeing thing for me.  (Fingers crossed!)

I am not sure if I will go see a psychiatrist.  I was told they pretty much just do medication.  I really like me regular doctor and I trust him.  I'll see what the therapist says.

I also want to say thanks for everyones support.   I know I have been very MIA.  Your friendship means the world to me and really helped me brave up and do something to help myself.  You ladies are the best people in the world and I love you all dearly.

Once again it is too darned late and I am still awake.  Part of it was I was playing Civilization (and I won btw, yeay me!) - but more so, it is me avoiding sleep. 

I think being a woman is hard.  Being a PP woman is even harder.  And I hear menopause is EVEN harder, luckily I am not there yet.  It is the mental in the head thing that is so hard.

When it comes to being a parent, I am fine.  I am comfortable that I (pretty much) know what I am doing with the kids.  They are healthy and happy.  They know they are loved.  They are well taken care of.

As far as running the household, I am fine too.  Doctor appts are made, bills are paid, house is cleaned, food and supplies are stocked.  So I am good on that as well.

Being a wife, I think I am pretty good.  Lunches are made, clothes are washed and ready to go, fridge stocked with good snacks, the house is mostly ready for when Dh gets home.  I listen and take interest in his work.  We still enjoy each others company.  Not really much sex life, but we have 3 kids under 4.  Also, I feel way to fat to feel sexy.  BUT, we are joining the Y M C A and I will be working on that.

The problem is me and when I am alone with me.  I think I am afraid to go to deep in my head.  It is hard to explain.  I think sometimes a lot of it is post traumatic stress from Sam's accident.  So many things during the day trigger this rush of anxiety.  For example, if I am in the shower and I hear the kids playing loudly or running around, my heart starts to pound I am sure that something horrific has happened.  (I was upstairs the morning of her accident and it was the sound of Ben yelling for me and running with her in his arms that woke me...)  I hear a song that brings me to that time and I cry.  I see something on the TV that has to do with something bad happening to a kid and I have to turn it off.  I am always afraid when the kids go up and down the stairs that they are going to fall down and wind up hurting themselves.  Sometimes I can't even watch.  Usually these awful feelings are for a split second and I shove them deep down inside myself.  I am thinking that mental shove the bad feelings into it tank may be full.

I worry sometimes that I will never quite be OK again.  I will always worry too much.  It is always a struggle to let my kids do normal things cause I am so afraid something bad will happen.  I make myself do the right thing, but man, my stomach is in knots A LOT.

Then it snow balls.  I start feeling badly about myself.  Look what happened to my kids.  Maybe I am a bad mother.  Maybe I am a bad wife.  Maybe Ben will find someone better cause I am a fat cow.  It is awful.  And then when I am exhausted, it doesn't help.  Nor does the crazy woman hormones.

I do not even know if any of this makes sense.

I am hoping the increase in crazy meds will help.  Then there is the part of me that wonders if the med isn't just a band aid to mask what is really wrong.  The fact that I can't control this and fix it myself as well, kills me.  I should be able to control and fix everything.

Then I feel like an idiot for even thinking about this, let alone saying it out loud.  Do I need the crazy house?  And then I feel lonely sometimes cause so many of my friends are so far away.  Another problem is when I feel badly, I tend to withdrawal.  I am great at expressing happy things, not so much with bad.

Had my follow up with my doc.  Crazy meds need to be adjusted and upped a bit.  And despite my oral asthma med (singular), he can still here wheezing, so an inhaler has been added.  Boy do I hate RXs.  But, hey whatcha gonna do?  Sanity and breathing are necessary, right?

Made a decision that we will be joining the YMCA as a family.  Sam loves her swimming lessons and the fact is, Ben and I need to get our asses in the gym.  Susanna will be 6 months in a few weeks.  They have child watching.  The kids need to be at least 6 mths.  The YMCA is right near Sam's preschool, so there is no reason I can't hop over 3x a week while Sam is in school and have Kit and Susanna play in child watch while I get my big ole butt on the treadmill.  Actually, the thought of working out again is exciting.  Pre kiddo days, I LOVED being in the gym!  By joining as a family, we will also get a discount on Sam's swimming lessons and whatever other programs we sign the kids up for.  And we can use the pool all winter long.  Ben is off Mondays, so he can work out with me then.  And then 2 nights a week, he can go over himself for an hour.

Ben and I really want the kids to see us as active and enjoying it opposed to fat and sitting on our butts all day.  We figure this is something we can all do as a family.  I am hesitant about the dollars, but if it were the computer or something, we;d figure it out.  This is our health, so we WILL figure it out.  By taking active measure now, we can hopefully stay fit and healthy for a long, long time.  And by being a member of AAA, we get dollars off, so that is nice.  Life is short, less McDonalds and more swimming/working out.

Other tidbits... Susanna is now crawling, only she goes backwards and then gets SOOO mad cause she has gone the wrong way.

I am tired and rambling, so I am going to get some sleep.

I feel a rant coming on soon tho, so check secured pages from time to time.  When I have the energy, I will rant there.  And since most of you guys all have passwords, you can be sure that it isn't about you, LOL.  ;)

Nighty night!

 

Editing to add:  My comments in L's blog was not to make anyone feel badly.  I know many of you guys visit me.  I can see it on my tracker.  :)  There was a time it made me feel sad, but then I questioned why I blogged.  I then knew that I blogged for me.  I wanted a journal of my life.  I do feel lucky that I have so many dear friends who care enough to read about the adventures of the Family Lee.

Also, I know I am the first one who reads but does not post comments as much as I should, so trust me, I am not casting stones at glass houses, LOL.  Promise.  I actually am amazed at how well some of you guys keep up on blogs and boards.  I struggle sometimes just getting everyone up, dressed and out the door on time, LOL.

Once again, I ramble.  I hope I did not hurt anyone's feelings. 

 

STOMP!

"I HAVE HAD IT!" exclaimed Samantha.  STOMP!  STOMP!  STOMP!  The whole house stopped.  Ben and Christopher were on their way upstairs, but froze.  Susanna had been nursing but pulled away to see what the commotion was.

"Samantha," I asked, "What do you mean?"  I truly was not sure what she had it with.

"I HAVE HAD IT!  I DO NOT WANT ALL YOUR ATTENTION!  I AM NOT A BABY..." but soon the screaming made her word not understandable.  I waited for her to take a breath.

"Sam, come here," I told her, patting my lap.  On no, I was not sure I was ready for this conversation.

"Fine!" She curtly retorted as she marched over to me.

"I need you to take a deep breath and tell me what is wrong."

"Well Momma," Sam started, but soon was rambling and yelling so fast that I could not understand.

"Whoa, honey, slow down and do not yell.  I want to understand." I reassured her.

"Well, I feel like you treat me like a baby.  I am NOT a baby like Susanna.  I am NOT little like Christopher.  I am a big girl now," she stated.

"Yes, you are." I agreed.  "But what is the problem?"

"I am frustrated.  I should be allowed to play outside by myself and not have to go to bed so early," she said.  "I should be allowed more privileges cause I am older."  Privileges?  When did she learn that word?  Ben and I shot a glance at each other.  He smiled that all knowing, better you than me look as he scurried up the stairs with Christopher.  So there I sat with both my baby and my big girl on my lap searching for the right words.  I knew this was a tender moment.  I wanted to be the kind of mom that my kids could come to and talk to.  I wanted her to feel positive about expressing herself.  On the flip side, there was no way under God's blue sky that she was going to be allowed to play outside by herself at her age.  And I needed to make sure that all though I am open to compromise, that it was clear that I am the parent.  Yikes.

"Well Samantha, you have a point and I am sorry..." her eyes widened with disbelief as I said my words.  I do not think that is what she expected me to say.

"Really????"

"Yes, you are a big girl and perhaps there are big girl things you should be allowed to do."

"Can I go outside by myself and play?"

"No sweetheart, that is not good judgment, you are still too young," I answered.

"I have an idea," she smiled.  "Dad is going to mow the lawn.  He can keep an eye on me if I play by the swings while he mows."

"That is a great idea," I smiled.

"Thanks mom," Sam started to get up, but I interrupted her.

"Sam, wait a minute..." She sat back on my lap next to Susanna.  "I want you to understand something..."  I paused trying to chose my words.

"It's okay Momma, just talk, " Sam said, patting my leg.

"You are my first baby.  I mean my first child.  I do not mean to treat you like a baby.  But being you are my first, I am learning too - just like you.  I want you always to be able to talk to me and tell me how you are feeling.  Then together we can figure it out.  OK?"

"OK Momma," she answered.

"Now I may treat you like a baby sometimes, but aren't there some big girl things you get to do?"

"Maybe..." she shyly smiled.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Maybe Kids Camp..."

"And?"

"Swimming lessons..."

"And?"

"Play dates with out Momma staying..."

"So even though Momma doesn't always get it right, I am trying Sam."  I reassured her.

"I love you," she said as she squeezed me with the biggest hug.

"I love you too," I replied.  "Now go outside while I put the baby down and go read your brother a book."  Ben came down and took Samantha out with him while he mowed.

After I got both Christopher and Susanna to sleep, I came downstairs and straighted up, putting all the toys away.  I was not ready for that conversation.  Wasn't that a conversation that I wasn't supposed to have until Sam was 12 or 13 or something like that?  And what kind of scares me is that I think it is the first of many, many, many more.

 

1.  The sales lady in Kmart told Ben that the kids could give him a lesson on how to listen.  (The kids were walking with me, holding the cart, like they should; whereas, Ben was off walking down the toy isle holding things up and asking, "Can we get this?  Can we get this then?  How about this?")  Yes, my true love is the biggest kid of them all!

2. Kit stamped is foot today when Sam did something he did not like and told her, "I do not appreciate that!"  My 2 year old is just beginning to speak and yet, he knows and can use the word appreciate.   When did that happen?  Then later that day, he got mad at Sam again and said, "Kit moving out."  We asked where he was moving to.  He replied, "The basement."  (Our playroom is in the basement.)  Where do kids come up with this stuff?

3.  After playing outside Sam tells us that she needs a bath cause she is dirty.  At first we tried to pawn it off til tomorrow.  She did not like that so she pointed to her knees and said, "But look at my beautiful knees... they are so full of dirt.  You can't even see that they are beautiful anymore."  Needless to say, she got her bath.   

4.  Love is when you are nursing your baby and she stops for a moment to look at you, smile and coo before resuming her before bed snack.

5. While waiting in line to get everyone ice cream, Sam backed up 50 yards and then ran full force to me, then hugging me when she got to me.  The reason:  she wanted to give me the biggest hug ever.

6. Susanna may be small, but has no problem cooing to get your attention from across the room.  Once I walk over, she smiles the biggest toothless baby grin and I am putty in her hands.

7. Shortly after the sun comes up every morning, Kit sneaks into our room quietly.  He crawls into bed next to me and kisses my face while he thinks I am sleeping.  He also says things like Nice Momma and Love You Mama.  He will do this for about 10 mins before he falls asleep next to me for another hour or so.   My heart just melts...

8. You know you are with the right person when after 10 years of marriage, you can look at the same thing, think the same off the wall thought, laugh at the same time with our ever saying a word.  (You confirm later that you are indeed laughing at the same time...) 

Needless to say, I love my family.  Sometimes it is easy to forget to stop and take notice of all the little things that makes me love them so much.  Today I decided to write about a few fleeting moments that enrich my life so much.

healthy baby BOY!!!!!  I knew it!!!!  She has craved all the same types of food that I did when I was pg with Kit.  I am so happy for her.  She love affectionate kids and there is something very special about having a son.  Don't get me wrong, my girls are very special too - but they are way more independent.  Even Miss Susanna Banana is showing her Independence already.  Boys need their moms in a different kind of way.  And I get to be an Auntie!!!!!!!  Being I have a baby girl, now I get to shop for little boy things too.  :)

Speaking of pregnant women.  Shout out to both Kristin and Carrie for there pleasant news!  And hoping Jen C. is feeling very well.  Any other surprises???

On to new babies... Linda and Tiff, both N and G are cute as can be.  G looks just like his big bro and N looks just like his daddy. 

Today we had a friend of Sam's come over and play.  High maintenance.  Nice kid, but high maintenance.  When I brought them a snack, instead of thank you, I got a I'm not eating THAT!  So I made her something else.  Then 10 minutes later she wanted the first snack I made.  *eyes rolling*  And when I said it was time to clean up I got a NO!  I nicely said, UM, that was not a request.  Start cleaning up.  I hope and pray my kids do not do that when they are on play dates.  I know they know better.

Tomorrow camp is canceled for Sam.  A friend of Sam's. N, is coming over during camp time.  This girl is sweet as pie and they play flawlessly together.  The grandmother will bring her over in the morning.  Sam has been over their house as well.  (The grandmother lives with the girl and her parents in a BEAUTIFUL house and they are soooo nice.... anyway, I digress...)  Well, remember the birthday party episode where all the kids were given gifts except mine?  That child also goes to camp.  Today when we were picking up the girls, the grandmother confirmed that tomorrow is still good.  I said yep.  Well the mother of the present incident then says, "Oh, you are having a play date?  Since you are having one how about..." and gestures to her and her kid.  I quickly interrupted, "I have to go.  I'll call you and we will figure something out."  I am sorry, but if I wanted her at the playdate I would have invited her.  It was rude of her to try to invite herself!  Besides, Sam and N, play really well and on their own.  They are big enough where we can drop one off at the others house.  This way the grandmother gets a break, just like I did when I dropped Sam off at N's house.  AND, Ben is off tomorrow, so while Sam, N and probably Kit play, Ben and I actually get to spend a morning together with Susanna will the bigger kids play in the playroom.  Birthday party mom would invite herself over as well and then we'd be entertaining her as well.  Not to mention EVERY time she has ever come over, she never eats or feeds her kids before, so I end up having to feed everyone several meals.  AND she never knows when it is time to go home.  Grrrrrr....  So I have not called her.  I feel kind of bad, but I do not want to have her over tomorrow morning.  AND even more, Sam really doesn't want to have much to do with her kid since the bday party.  So there you go!

Time to go.  Ben and I have a movie date tonight.  We are seeing Superman... *sigh*  But, it is his turn to pick the movie. 

 

 

I clipped Susanna's nails this morning and accidentally cut her skin by her thumb.  She screamed and cried as it bled.  At that point, Sam and Kit decided to start fighting, so I yelled at them to be quiet.  I am not a big yeller, so then they started crying.  I have a thing with fingers and blood - I lost my thumb nail when I was three - a huge rock was stopped on my hand... anyhow, I started feeling faint.  I was sure I was going to pass out. 

So there I was holding the baby, trying to sooth her while sitting on my kitchen floor trying not pass out with two screaming toddlers.  No today I was not supermom.

Eventually I got Susanna's thumb to stop bleeding.  Talked to Sam and Kit - apologizing for raising my voice.  I told them that Susanna was hurt, Momma was scared and I needed to quiet for a minute - however, I should not have yelled.  I then smothered them in hugs and kisses and I love yous. I think Dr. Phil says it takes 50 good things to counter 1 bad thing, so I was getting my 50 hugs, kisses and I loves yous in to clear the yelling.

The kids were over it, but I felt like complete crap.  I called Ben to talk and feel better.  His pearls of wisdom was "Oh, no one will notice if she doesn't have a tip to her thumb."  Thanks dumb ass.  I called you to feel better, why?  I told him that his odd sense of humor was not appreciated.  He apologized, but my guilt was still there.

You never want to be the cause of any pain with your kids.  I am sure Susanna will not remember, lol, but still...

I am such a ray of sunshine lately... aren't you glad you came here?  Actually, if I hadn't had a tubal, I would really wonder if I were pg.  I had spotting a little over a month ago.  I was sure AF was coming.  She never came - just spot for about 2 weeks.  (I spotted with all three...)  I have been crampy since, but no AF.  About 2 weeks before spot, lots of EWCM and yes, sex.  I now have been having super uber smell sense.  However, I have had a tubal, so chances are, um, no.  So, all this lovely-ness coupled with my delightful frame of mind, is probably just my wacko hormones being wacky.  Joy.

Believe it or not, I am not miserable all the time.  I really do love playing with the kids.  They are such an utter joy in my life.  And Ben, despite his off humor - no thumb tip and all, is my other half.  We are two peas in a pod.  We are even going to see Superman on Monday night (his turn to pick the movie...) ALL BY OURSELVES.  Woo hoo.

I am going to try to get out a few early mornings a week to walk on my home when Ben is home to watch the kids.  I think that may help me feel better.  Gotta love those endorphins.

OK, it is late and I need to try to sleep. 

if I were to fall off the face of the Earth if anyone would really notice.   My kids would notice right away.  Ben would notice when the food ran out and the clothes were dirty or the kids needed something.  I am not sure when my family would notice or even my friends.  Aren't I uplifting today?

I do not think I have slept more than 4 hours a night in over a week and I can not figure out why.  Even taking Benadry isn't helping.  I wonder if I need to contact the doc and increase the crazy meds.  *sigh*

At least I will TIVO Big Brother tomorrow night.  Hope to see the back side of Alison leaving the house.

Think I will sneak into one of the kid's beds and cuddle them. 

I have not been able to get into anyone's blog at Blogdrive.  I have been dying to and miss reading your blogs.  I will keep trying.  Boy do I hate Blogdrive.

I am so sick of seeing this...

	The page cannot be displayed
The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings.
Please try the following: Click the Refresh button, or try again later. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP). See if your Internet connection settings are being detected. You can set Microsoft Windows to examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings (if your network administrator has enabled this setting). Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click LAN Settings. Select Automatically detect settings, and then click OK. Some sites require 128-bit connection security. Click the Help menu and then click About Internet Explorer to determine what strength security you have installed. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Security section and check settings for SSL 2.0, SSL 3.0, TLS 1.0, PCT 1.0. Click the Back button to try another link. Cannot find server or DNS Error

 

I just got done giving Susanna a bath.  Nothing is sweeter than a little baby.  She adores the water and smiles as I put the baby lotion on her.  I then love wrapping her in a warm towel and nursing her to sleep.  It is moments like this that make the world a wondeful place.

 

 

So I will only be online sporadically until my parts get here...

10 Things stolen from Amy...

List up to ten (10) - or more - things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any ‘comment speculation’.

Here are my 10 Things

1. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.

2. I am grateful everyday you are alive and well.

3. When you laugh your little laugh, it melts my heart.

4. You give the best hugs.  I love your affection.

5. I am so excited for you and can NOT wait until December.

6. I wish you did not lie to me about drinking.

7. Drinking while driving is just plain stupid and will kill someone - or you.

8. Try not to criticize while in my house.

9. I miss you.

10. You are too stupid to really be a laywer.