Life has a way of getting us to where we are supposed to go even when it is not always clear.  Many roads lately have gotten to the point where I am. 

For a long time, I have been searching for something - like religion, a hat to wear, a place to call home.  I tried to wear that hats that I thought should fit- but too often they just did not.  By my nature as a child and into my teens was always one of strong spirutality.  A clear sense of my purpose and right from wrong.  I had a strong connection to the earth and all of God's creatures.  For many years, I had always assumed God was a woman until I was told other wise.

I have been reading a wonderful book, called Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd.  I swear this book was written just for me!  It has reached and touched something inside of me.  It has helped me identify the missing or lost thing in me.  It makes sense why all these things are coming together at this point for me.  I am beginning a journey of self.

I have always believed that life is about balance.  The sad thing is on a most basic level, the femine balance has been lost.  It is so easy not to see cause the world is based on mostly man principles.  From the very beginning of the bible, women are born into sin.  Men are good.  Eve basically tricked Adam.  This is just the way it is.  But my stating this is not to have a theology discussion at this point, it is to explain where I am.  I do not see the feminine and masculine balanced.  I do not feel it.  There is a little girl/woman/crone in me screaming to be heard and not compliant.  I want to explore the Feminine Divine and all her gifts.  I am so familar with our masculine God - but I can't see how something as spirutual as God can be so biased.  Instead of searching to others for answers, I think by looking with in, I will be discovering my feminine stength.  Thru her/me, I will find a more balanced world.

For a long time I have said that my biggest problem is dealing with me when all are asleep and it is just me.  I suspect that is cause there is something lacking, hurting, missing and I am going to find it, mend it.  I am going to grow stronger.

No, I am not leaving my family to find some crazy cult where all we eat are protein drinks and my new name is Rainstorm.  But, I have pulled out my crystals and oil lamps with scented oils.  I am again wearing my agate for strength.  Instead of asking for persmission with certain things to Ben (BTW, not a rant on Ben... he is awesome and I love him!), I am explaining my feelings - even if that means we have to agree to disagree.  Good man that he is, he is open to where I am coming from and meeting me in the middle.  And I am stopping giving unimportant people, like work people the power to influence me, what I think of myself and caring what they think of me.  Think a mix of Green Fried Tomatos and Shirley Valentine and a hint of When Stella Got her Groove on.  The only difference is that unlike some of those women, my husband and kiddos are coming for the ride.

Other tid bits:

- We took the kids to My Little Pony Live on Thurs.  It was a hoot.  We then took the kiddos out for hot fudge sundaes.

- Thinking of getting a cat from the SPCA.  Kids and I are on board.  We are working on Ben.  The kids fell in LOVE with a white cat with odd colored eyes named Puff.  Due to a mix-up, there is one family ahead of us.  We were told his name was Buff so when the other family applied for Puff, they did not see our app and the other family was offered Puff.  (They did not show today tho to get him.  Stay away other family!!!)  Our second choice is either a gray tabby named Julia or a gray calico named Patches.  Fingers crossed Ben gets on board!!!!

- Sam peed on the basement floor tonight cause she was to lazy to go the toliet.  Needless to say, she was punished.  She went right to bed and was not to happy about it.  To freaking bad.

- Kit has taken to hoping  in bed with me at around 2 AM.  He says Momma is most comfy and Dada like Kit's bed best anyway.

- Susanna got her third tooth but in a weird place.  It is on the top left between where the front tooth should be and the eye tooth.  I think it is the top lateral incisor. Stange eh?

On that note good night!