I am still shaking as I write this.  I put the kids in the car and thought I had them strapped well in their seats.  I then turned the car on so they could listen to the radio and I ran into the house for something.  Mother instinct set in cause I stopped what I was doing and mid sentence to Ben and ran outside.  I knew something was wrong. 

What I found was my car rolling down the driveway and into our back yard.  I ran like I have never run before sure that it had to be a surreal nightmare.  It was not possible that I was chasing my minivan with me 3 kids in and no adult.  The van started scrapping along the fence and I opened the passenger door.  I knew I had to jump to get in, which I did as the van was approaching the part of our yard which was uneven like a small embankment.  Kit was sitting in the passenger seat smiling.  I moved him out and got in the driver seat, applied the brakes and put the van in park.  Sam had unlatched her seat belt in her booster as well and was screaming in the back.  Susanna was in her seat quiet and looking around.

I am VERY lucky that the kids were completely unscathed.  I on the other hand, was shaking to no end.  Now later, I think I banged myself a little when chasing and jumping in the car.  A small price to pay.  A neighbor of ours pulled the van out and it seems to drive fine.  It was on a 22 degree angle on the front half of the car.  I am lucky I got it stopped when I did or it would have rolled over.  It had just started going down the embankment.  We are going to take it to the mechanic anyway tomorrow just to have it checked out.  God, I hope they do not tell me it is totaled, like the frame is bent or something.  There some scratches on the passenger side, but no dents and all doors open and close.

I keep looking at the kids wondering if it did them some hidden damage, I mean Susanna is not even 4 weeks old.  Ben keeps reassuring me that the van was not going fast, which it was not.  And when I stopped it, there was no back lash at all.  Kit, Sam and I were all not in our seat belts and no one whipped around.  Thank God Susanna was in her seat safe and secure.

Can I tell you what a f-ing lousy parent I feel like?  My kids could have been really hurt or worse.  What was I thinking, running in the house for I can't even remember now!  How can I trust myself to raise these 3 kids?  I do not deserve them.  I just want to go upstairs, crawl into a ball and die.  I always thought I was a good parent, yet these awful things happen.  So I must not be.  I just do not know what to do.  I can't even begin to describe the guilt and disgust I feel for myself right now.

So my Susanna brag yesterday about finally making baby birth weight is being retracted.  I weighed her again and she is down to 9 lbs again.  Grrrr...  I never had this problem with Sam and Kit.  Susanna will be 4 weeks on Friday (can't BELIEVE that!) and she is barely at her birth weight.  In all fairness, since I have started weighing her, she hasn't gained, but has not lost either.  She seems to fall with in a range that averages 9 lbs.   Her diapers are always wet and poopy, she eats all the time, she is alert, looks good... but I still feel like I am failing her with my bfing.  My milk is in and plentiful like usual.  I just do not know what to think.  I called the doc and left a message.  I am sure they will say come in and then suggest I supplement with formula.  I REALLY do NOT want to do that.  I just do not feel comfortable having my baby eat that stuff.  (I am not trying to make FF feeding moms feel badly.  I truly believe different things work for different families.  This is just how I feel about my child and what is best for my family)  But I also do not want to be neglectful or do anything harmful to my baby. 

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

That if you write about a person, but never name them or write anything that identifies them, in fact, they are the only one in the world that would know it was about them, that they can come back and threaten to sue you?  Yes folks, I got a letter from a person, who in my opinion, stole medication from my locked cubbard, because I caught them in my locked cubbard and then the medication was gone, stating that if I do not remove the posts I wrote about "a guest" who stole from me that they would sue me for monitory damages!  I personally belive this person does not have a leg to stand on and is beyond freaking mental.  I wish this person would find a life and leave me the )$%#@$(*#@ alone.

PS.  You can now leave comments without being a member!  YIPPEEEEEEE!!!!  Ben fixed it... good Ben, good Ben!

has FINALLY made her birth weight back.  It has taken a little over 2 weeks.  She has had plenty of wet and poopy diapers and she is alert and responsive.  She has no signs of not getting enough or dehydration, but the weight gain has been slow.  What is even oddier is that she nursed A LOT and I know she is getting milk by the wet diapers and my boobs.  I am hoping she has just grown in length (she does seem long to me).  This morning she weighed her birth weight of 9 lb 2 oz. 

I am not used to this.... both Sam and Kit porked up right away.  And I am hesistant to call the ped cause I know they will say supplement with formula and I am NOT doing that.  (At least not at this point)  Susanna has more wet and poppy diapers than I have ever seen.  Everytime I change her she is wet.  I guess all I can do is watch and then see.

Unrelated... we are still waiting on tech support to get back to us about fixing the comment section so you can post a comment with out logging in and doing the text stuff.  In the mean time, leave me a note on my tag board and let me know you were here!  :)

Yesterday was my birthday and I am now the big 37.  Good God that sounds old.  Funny tho cause I do not feel old and I yank any grey hair from my head so I do not look old.  Yesterday was nothing thrilling.  We were supposed to go to a birthday party for one of Sam's friends, but Kit woke up with a fever.  I suspect it is related to him cutting two year old molors (diaper rash, not wanting to eat, not letting me look in his mouth) but I couldn't be sure so we stayed home.  Lets see... I got to load the dishwasher, empty it, re load it... there were a few loads of laundry, the vacuum got run, the kitchen got messed up and cleaned up several times, the kids and I made my bday cake, I got to make all the meals, the kids got a bath, Ben was at work all day and when he got home, I got to make our dinner too.  Then we watched tv where Ben fell asleep and I got to make the wipes and get the baby set to go to sleep.  I was kind of irrated.  I knew he was tired cause he worked a long day and he had been really sweet a few days ago with my bday surprise... but I sort of felt like you could at least make me a cup of tea or something.  Oh well...  This morning he did take Sam and Kit out to play for a bit so I could have some time for myself and I know nothing yesteday was meant out of malice. 

Other thoughts:  Glad to be on my new blog.  The whole nonsense on my oold blog is a bit disturbing.  First of all, in my opinion, the one who will not be named is really mental.  It is bad enough my pain med went missing... but what is even more disturbing is that this person was having their friends stalk my blog and report back to them.  My blog tracker showed that one of them only lives 30 mins from me and that is flat out creepy.  Who is to say these people are not as mental as the one who will not be named?  I mean, we all bitch and what not on our blogs, but I do not think any of us would stalk some unknown person who pissed one of us off.  Can we say WEIRD?   The one who will not be named, has every right to say what they want about me - I really do not care - and if this person and their friends want to bash me on their own time, that is fine too.  But to come to my space and cause trouble is really weird to me.  The Patrick dude calls me a coward?  Maybe class and intelliegence is beyond his phoney lawyer butt to understand... but why would I argue and insight and lunatic who I will still have to see on occasion?  That is foolish.  I do argree that this person's response is one of a guilty conscious.  I also think the real reason this person freaked out was cause they do not know who I told and that scares the crap out of them.  Too bad for this person... it is pretty simple... I had pain med in my cabinet on Sat night, Sunday I had the kid's party and caught this person in my locked medicine cubboard, and then Sunday night my pain med was gone.   Gee, that is a tough one.... 

The kids are playing quietly for the moment and Miss Susanna is quiet, so I am going to take advantage of this moment and go to the bathroom ALL BY MYSELF!  Shhhhh.... don't tell the kids!  LOL!

Nothing fascinating to post yet.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to manually transfer 2 years of blogging over?  OY!  But I do not want to lose my old blog entries.

Kiddos are doing much better and getting along like old times.  Altho Kit is still favoring the word MINE and copying Sam.  That has been driving her NUTS!

Susanna is beginning to stay awake for longer periods during the day.  And she is also beginning to like the swing.  Both Sam and Kit LOVED it from the start; whereas, Susanna did not.  The three of them were hanging out last night in the living room.  Too cute!

Ben surprised me yesterday.  When I had everyone down for a nap, he snuck home and in the kitchen he left me 30 Mylar balloons, half dozen long stem roses, the sweetest card ever and some gardening stuff (which I love...).  It was early for my birthday.  He works all day on Sat and it is hard to leave on the weekend.  He wanted to do something special for me.  I was so blown away and happy.  I couldn't wait for him to get home from work so I could hug him!

The card is personal, but I am going to post what he wrote anyway cause it is really sweet. ...

I love you more now than ever before.  Two halves of a coin, inexplicably drawn together to compliment the other and remain forever joined.  We have traveled together, but I am glad to have found a home here and could not have hoped for a better friend, lover, wife and confidant.  Many great years will follow and I look forward to having you by my side.

Have a great birthday.

Thinking of you always.

Isn't that just awesome??????  It is too easy to complain about the annoying, when it is something like this that tells much more about who my husband is.

Enough for now.  Guess who is hungry for a change??? LOL!

5 things I do not like to do:

1. Dust
2. Put away laundry
3. Go to the eye doctor, specifically the eye drops.... blech!
4. Get up before 6 AM in the morning
5. Talk on the phone

I tag: everyone who has not already been tagged!

to blog that is...  I have been wanting to get here for days and even now I may have a few seconds, lol, before the muffin wants to eat again!  Susanna is a sweet, sweet baby.  She sleeps really well, eats really well, has only had gas badly a few times and even then she fusses more than she cries.  Ben called her colicky today when she was fussing in the swing.  I was like, "uh, no... don't you remember Sam WAILING on the top of her lungs for HOURS for the first 4 months..."  He was like, "oh yes... I do remember that..."

Speaking of Ben, he was so nice and called out today!  YIPPEE!!!!  The store was covered, so he was redundant, but it was still awesome and a pleasant surprise to have him home for the day!  Also when he was off, he built me shelves for the laundry room and we went out and got everyone their own little laundry basket and hampers as well as lingeree (sp?) bags.  This way I can do loads by the person with underwear and socks going on the lingeree bags (not losing anything that way) and when the laundry is done, I know exactly where it is going.  Sorting laundry was becoming a real PIA.  So this is cool!  And it has cleaned up my laundry area so much... before we called it "The Hole".

Back to Susanna... she LOVES to sleep on me, just like the older ones did.  Yesterday, she was in the sling for ages - all scrunched up and happy.  The sling I use inside constantly needs to be tightened.  Altho, I tend not to wear a shirt with it, so maybe that is it.  I like my outdoor one better (and yes I wear a shirt then...).  They are both cotton, I just find it easier to keep one in the car and one in the house.  Also, the rings end up being across my chest, but hey, I figure whatever works, works!  KWIM?

I taught Sunday School today.  It was nice cause Sam and I got some time on our own.  Afterwards we went to Dunkin Donuts to get some for the family.  Sam enjoyed being in charge of picking the donuts.  We chatted during the ride.  It was nice having some one on one time with her and she seemed really happy as well.

Kit has been getting his one on one time when Sam is in school and Susanna is sleeping.  He wouldn't sit with me in the big brown chair if I was holding the baby for a few days, but now is back to cuddling with me under the covers in the chair and now looks for the baby.   He likes to sit up and pet her arm occasionally as we sit. 

I have been letting the kids nap on the sectional while I nurse Susanna.  I find it easier that way cause I get everyone to sleep at the same time and then I am there when everyone wakes up,  If everyone is in their own room, I lose half my nap getting everyone down.  And then if someone wakes and I am nursing the baby, I have to disturb her and it takes me awhile to get to them.  This way works much better.  :)  Today on the big brown chair, I had Susanna nursing on one side, Kit cuddling on the other side and Sam sitting between my legs with her head on the boppy today for a farmily cuddle and chat time before naps.  Kit and Sam, then ran to their side of the sectional and we were off to sleep.  I can actually get Kit to sleep for more than an hour this way!  WOO HOO!!!!!  I also think it is a nice precursor to getting him used to falling asleep in the same place as Sam for when they will be sharing a room.

Speaking of Kit, he has been peeing in the potty when he is not wearing a diaper!  Well today he went to the potty and took off his diaper so he could pee and then later went back to poop.  His first poop in the potty!  He is not there yet, but he is well on his way to potty training himself.  YEAY KIT!  My kids always seem to be telling me when they are ready for the next step.  I think all kids have their own plans....

I am ok.  Still having pain on the right side and when I had my staples out, they kept commenting on how big my scar is.  Oh well.  I also had a yeast infection on the incision and over my thighs and belly.  Luckily so far, none on the boobs or the baby, so I count my blessings.

The little miss is now complaining she is hungry and I am beginniing to leak, so that is my clue....  More later....

 I can not believe that my little Samantha is already 4. A common feeling around here lately I am sure. I think with the birth of Susanna, it is even more pronounced cause when I look at the baby and then at Sam, it does not seem that long ago that Sam was the baby. And now she is all girl! She is mouthy and tenacious and will be the cause of every grey hair on my head. On the flip side, under the mouth (where does she get that from? *blush*), she is so sweet, sensitive and loving.

Yikes, the passage of time is so much quicker when looking through your children.

Happy 4th bday my sweet first born baby! Mommy loves you!

So there is the family!  We are very blessed, but very busy.  Both Ben and I are wondering how the heck we are going to do this, LOL.  Any words of wisdom from 3+ kiddo mommies out there is Blogsville?

1, Taking percocet for pain when very, very, very tired can make you forget you holding a baby.  To be safe, I will not take it anymore thus greatly increasing my pain level.  (BTW, nothing bad happened, but my mind thinks of all the what-ifs...)

2. Walking all over Walmart to get the shop done with a husband, one kid, one toddler and one 5 day old 5 days after surgery is foolish.  You end up sitting in the middle of the isle with you kids and cart after 45 mins while you send you husband to different parts of the store.

3. You know you look like complete shit when your almost 4 year old looked at you and said "Mama, I know your body feels bad."

"How?" I asked.

"Well..." she explains, "You look fat.  I mean very fat.  Yes, your body REALLY hurts.  You are so fat.  I mean you are fatter than a jungle hippo. You are that fat..."

"Thanks Sam."

She arrived 3-3-06 at 11:50 AM.  She has APGARS of 8 and 9.  She is just perfect.

The repeat section was rougher that Kit's.  I had an epi this time instead of a spinal.  With the spinal I felt nothing.  I can not say that this time.  And it was MUCH longer.  Ben stayed with me the whole time, even when they sewed me back up.  I would not have held up so well on my own.

Thank heaven for pain medication.  I really need it this time around.  And my feet are so swollen right now that you can not see my ankles at all and there is a crease where my feet meet my ankle.

Susanna is doing great.  She nurses like a champ altho has beaten up my nipples more than Sam or Kit ever did.  My milk is already in, I could feed a small nation.  I think my boobs are bigger than Susanna.  Really.  She sleeps very well (knock on wood...). 

Sam LOVES helping with the baby.  She got to feed Susanna a bottle of EBM last night, with Ben, and was in heaven.  Kit kisses and hugs her all the time, loudly shouting, MINE, MINE, MINE BABY!  Of course it will take time to get back in the routine of things.  We have all talked (well me, Ben and Sam) about how we all have to be patient and help each other out while we get used to our new family dynamic.  I am sure things will get nutty, but it will be a good nutty.

(I have cheated and copied this for boards....)

Soon to come...

Why are my feet the size of pluto?

Why does the body need to store enough poop to fill the grand canyon until we go after a section?  Is it necessary that my poop is a greater weight than my baby?

The injustice of pain of a c-section that is still keeping me from sleeping in my bed...

Why do doctors and hospitals try to PUSH formula feeding when breat feeding is so good and it is clearly what I want?  And I am SOOOOO endowed with milk?

Susanna is going to be retested for billirubin today.  She was at 12.7 when we left hosp yesterday. 

Even butt tired, how nice is it to take a moment, sit back and look at all 3 of your kids in the same room?  Sweet....