I am still shaking as I write this.  I put the kids in the car and thought I had them strapped well in their seats.  I then turned the car on so they could listen to the radio and I ran into the house for something.  Mother instinct set in cause I stopped what I was doing and mid sentence to Ben and ran outside.  I knew something was wrong. 

What I found was my car rolling down the driveway and into our back yard.  I ran like I have never run before sure that it had to be a surreal nightmare.  It was not possible that I was chasing my minivan with me 3 kids in and no adult.  The van started scrapping along the fence and I opened the passenger door.  I knew I had to jump to get in, which I did as the van was approaching the part of our yard which was uneven like a small embankment.  Kit was sitting in the passenger seat smiling.  I moved him out and got in the driver seat, applied the brakes and put the van in park.  Sam had unlatched her seat belt in her booster as well and was screaming in the back.  Susanna was in her seat quiet and looking around.

I am VERY lucky that the kids were completely unscathed.  I on the other hand, was shaking to no end.  Now later, I think I banged myself a little when chasing and jumping in the car.  A small price to pay.  A neighbor of ours pulled the van out and it seems to drive fine.  It was on a 22 degree angle on the front half of the car.  I am lucky I got it stopped when I did or it would have rolled over.  It had just started going down the embankment.  We are going to take it to the mechanic anyway tomorrow just to have it checked out.  God, I hope they do not tell me it is totaled, like the frame is bent or something.  There some scratches on the passenger side, but no dents and all doors open and close.

I keep looking at the kids wondering if it did them some hidden damage, I mean Susanna is not even 4 weeks old.  Ben keeps reassuring me that the van was not going fast, which it was not.  And when I stopped it, there was no back lash at all.  Kit, Sam and I were all not in our seat belts and no one whipped around.  Thank God Susanna was in her seat safe and secure.

Can I tell you what a f-ing lousy parent I feel like?  My kids could have been really hurt or worse.  What was I thinking, running in the house for I can't even remember now!  How can I trust myself to raise these 3 kids?  I do not deserve them.  I just want to go upstairs, crawl into a ball and die.  I always thought I was a good parent, yet these awful things happen.  So I must not be.  I just do not know what to do.  I can't even begin to describe the guilt and disgust I feel for myself right now.