I clipped Susanna's nails this morning and accidentally cut her skin by her thumb.  She screamed and cried as it bled.  At that point, Sam and Kit decided to start fighting, so I yelled at them to be quiet.  I am not a big yeller, so then they started crying.  I have a thing with fingers and blood - I lost my thumb nail when I was three - a huge rock was stopped on my hand... anyhow, I started feeling faint.  I was sure I was going to pass out. 

So there I was holding the baby, trying to sooth her while sitting on my kitchen floor trying not pass out with two screaming toddlers.  No today I was not supermom.

Eventually I got Susanna's thumb to stop bleeding.  Talked to Sam and Kit - apologizing for raising my voice.  I told them that Susanna was hurt, Momma was scared and I needed to quiet for a minute - however, I should not have yelled.  I then smothered them in hugs and kisses and I love yous. I think Dr. Phil says it takes 50 good things to counter 1 bad thing, so I was getting my 50 hugs, kisses and I loves yous in to clear the yelling.

The kids were over it, but I felt like complete crap.  I called Ben to talk and feel better.  His pearls of wisdom was "Oh, no one will notice if she doesn't have a tip to her thumb."  Thanks dumb ass.  I called you to feel better, why?  I told him that his odd sense of humor was not appreciated.  He apologized, but my guilt was still there.

You never want to be the cause of any pain with your kids.  I am sure Susanna will not remember, lol, but still...

I am such a ray of sunshine lately... aren't you glad you came here?  Actually, if I hadn't had a tubal, I would really wonder if I were pg.  I had spotting a little over a month ago.  I was sure AF was coming.  She never came - just spot for about 2 weeks.  (I spotted with all three...)  I have been crampy since, but no AF.  About 2 weeks before spot, lots of EWCM and yes, sex.  I now have been having super uber smell sense.  However, I have had a tubal, so chances are, um, no.  So, all this lovely-ness coupled with my delightful frame of mind, is probably just my wacko hormones being wacky.  Joy.

Believe it or not, I am not miserable all the time.  I really do love playing with the kids.  They are such an utter joy in my life.  And Ben, despite his off humor - no thumb tip and all, is my other half.  We are two peas in a pod.  We are even going to see Superman on Monday night (his turn to pick the movie...) ALL BY OURSELVES.  Woo hoo.

I am going to try to get out a few early mornings a week to walk on my home when Ben is home to watch the kids.  I think that may help me feel better.  Gotta love those endorphins.

OK, it is late and I need to try to sleep.