Update Crazy house:

I went to the head shrinker on Tues and she was very nice.  She told me that my stay would be short lived and that if I left with nothing else, that my list of positives FAR outweighed any negatives that I am facing.  (Yeay, I am NOT really insane...)

I was given several things to do for homework.  1.  Buy a notebook.  2. Describe the face of my anxiety.  3.  Keep track of when I have attacks, what triggers them and if I win out or the anxiety does.  4.  How do I view myself.  I have been a good girl and have been doing my homework.  So far I have learned that many of the anxiety trigger come from fear of something bad happening to the kids.  I am not sure what to do with that info, but hey, it is more than I had a week ago.  AND... I do think that stems from Sam's accident.  I really suspect that there is some post traumatic stress contributing... But, hey, that is what the head shrinker is for.  She will help me help myself.

Update Susanna:

My sweet baby is now crawling pretty well and has cut two bottom teeth.  This child is 5.5 months.  She is the baby.  She is the last.  She has a mind of her own like her big sister Samantha.  Heaven help me.

Update McDonald's:

I took the kids to McD's for dinner.  Sam was dying for a Polly Pocket (boy do I dislike those things) and Kit wanted a Hummer.  So we went and then the kids romped around the play gym together while I fed Susanna.  It always surprises me how badly behaved kids are.  What even surprises me even more is how parents ignore their kids while they are eating and then are shocked that they act up.  And I really can't stand seeing someone close to Sam's age sitting in a highchair.  If Kit can sit in a regular chair, c'mon!

So there were were in insanity land.  However, Sam and Kit were sitting in their chairs eating their food while I had Susanna in the highchair eating her Cheerios and applesauce.  And we were... *gasp*... talking to each other.  The kids knew they had to eat most their dinner before playing and both had to be done so they could play together.  When they were done, I reminded them that they were buddies and needed to play together.  Off they went to put their shoes in a cubby.  Kit could not climb the stairs part, so Sam came up with a plan.  She got on all fours, so that Kit could climb on her back to get to the next level.  She then joined him.  They repeated this until they got to the top.  Very shortly after wards they came down the slide and ran over to me to see if I saw what they did.  I praised them and told them that was wonderful team work!  And when we got home Sam would get a lady bug and Kit would get an airplane (a reward magnet board we have).  They cheered and were back off playing.

The lady at the next table asked me if I home schooled.  I answered no, but I had thought about it seriously.  I asked her if she did.  She said no.  I didn't think anything of it at the time. 

Later she was asking if anyone knew what time The Pirate movie started.  I said I could find out and pulled out my phone.  I have a link on my phone web page.  So I looked it up and told her.  She was like, "What can't you do?  And you have 3 kids."  But I am not sure she meant it to be nice.  Between that and the home school comment, I think I was being insulted.  However, that is fine with me.

If I am a weirdo cause I like to talk to my kids, I enjoy teaching them things, and I enjoy their company, then too bad.  It's not that is isn't hard; but, it is exceedingly rewarding.  I talk to my kids all the time.  They help me with the food shop.  We discuss the food and such.  Ben and I both are always trying to do fun and educational things with them.  What is wrong with that?  And excuse me that my kids know how to act in public.  I do not care if it is McDonald's or Lebec freaking Fin.  Good manners are still good manners.

I felt like saying WTF is wrong with homeschooling, organization and decent manners?  But I chose to smile and play with my kids instead. 

Crazy world, eh?

Ben's birthday Update:

The man turned 31 yesterday.  I got out of work early and surprised him with man flowers... aka... a 6 pack of nice imported beer and a nice dinner.  We had celebrated his bday on Monday, our day off, as a family.  The kids and I made a cake and decorated the house.  So Ben got 2 bday parties.

Bed update:

Time for me to go to sleep.  Nighty night!

First, I checked into our insurance about what I need to do to talk to a counselor.  Most benefits you can get on line, but not for mental health.  No, for that you have to call, tell a complete stranger what is going on and then get approved.  Like it isn't hard enough...  But, I called and I got a nice lady.  She approved me for unlimited sessions with both a counselor and a psychiatrist. 

Even better tho, I called one of the counselors and made an appt for Tues.  I am very nervous.  I know the facts and can tell you what is wrong - sort of - I just do not how to get thru it and get to the other side.  So, I do think it will be helpful.  A big part of me is so afraid that I will get there and she will be like, "you are fine.  WHY are YOU here????"

This is a HUGE deal for me.

Second good thing I did today... I told Ben what was going on.  He was so supportive and caring.  I think I have been shutting him out a lot cause I was so afraid of being crazy.  He understood a lot of what I was saying.  He also said he felt bad that he couldn't help me.  I told him that I really think I need an outside perspective to help me right now.  He is too close to me.

Ben also said that he has known (and this is true) that there are many skeletons lurking in me and maybe it a good thing that it is coming to a head.  It may be the most freeing thing for me.  (Fingers crossed!)

I am not sure if I will go see a psychiatrist.  I was told they pretty much just do medication.  I really like me regular doctor and I trust him.  I'll see what the therapist says.

I also want to say thanks for everyones support.   I know I have been very MIA.  Your friendship means the world to me and really helped me brave up and do something to help myself.  You ladies are the best people in the world and I love you all dearly.

Once again it is too darned late and I am still awake.  Part of it was I was playing Civilization (and I won btw, yeay me!) - but more so, it is me avoiding sleep. 

I think being a woman is hard.  Being a PP woman is even harder.  And I hear menopause is EVEN harder, luckily I am not there yet.  It is the mental in the head thing that is so hard.

When it comes to being a parent, I am fine.  I am comfortable that I (pretty much) know what I am doing with the kids.  They are healthy and happy.  They know they are loved.  They are well taken care of.

As far as running the household, I am fine too.  Doctor appts are made, bills are paid, house is cleaned, food and supplies are stocked.  So I am good on that as well.

Being a wife, I think I am pretty good.  Lunches are made, clothes are washed and ready to go, fridge stocked with good snacks, the house is mostly ready for when Dh gets home.  I listen and take interest in his work.  We still enjoy each others company.  Not really much sex life, but we have 3 kids under 4.  Also, I feel way to fat to feel sexy.  BUT, we are joining the Y M C A and I will be working on that.

The problem is me and when I am alone with me.  I think I am afraid to go to deep in my head.  It is hard to explain.  I think sometimes a lot of it is post traumatic stress from Sam's accident.  So many things during the day trigger this rush of anxiety.  For example, if I am in the shower and I hear the kids playing loudly or running around, my heart starts to pound I am sure that something horrific has happened.  (I was upstairs the morning of her accident and it was the sound of Ben yelling for me and running with her in his arms that woke me...)  I hear a song that brings me to that time and I cry.  I see something on the TV that has to do with something bad happening to a kid and I have to turn it off.  I am always afraid when the kids go up and down the stairs that they are going to fall down and wind up hurting themselves.  Sometimes I can't even watch.  Usually these awful feelings are for a split second and I shove them deep down inside myself.  I am thinking that mental shove the bad feelings into it tank may be full.

I worry sometimes that I will never quite be OK again.  I will always worry too much.  It is always a struggle to let my kids do normal things cause I am so afraid something bad will happen.  I make myself do the right thing, but man, my stomach is in knots A LOT.

Then it snow balls.  I start feeling badly about myself.  Look what happened to my kids.  Maybe I am a bad mother.  Maybe I am a bad wife.  Maybe Ben will find someone better cause I am a fat cow.  It is awful.  And then when I am exhausted, it doesn't help.  Nor does the crazy woman hormones.

I do not even know if any of this makes sense.

I am hoping the increase in crazy meds will help.  Then there is the part of me that wonders if the med isn't just a band aid to mask what is really wrong.  The fact that I can't control this and fix it myself as well, kills me.  I should be able to control and fix everything.

Then I feel like an idiot for even thinking about this, let alone saying it out loud.  Do I need the crazy house?  And then I feel lonely sometimes cause so many of my friends are so far away.  Another problem is when I feel badly, I tend to withdrawal.  I am great at expressing happy things, not so much with bad.

Had my follow up with my doc.  Crazy meds need to be adjusted and upped a bit.  And despite my oral asthma med (singular), he can still here wheezing, so an inhaler has been added.  Boy do I hate RXs.  But, hey whatcha gonna do?  Sanity and breathing are necessary, right?

Made a decision that we will be joining the YMCA as a family.  Sam loves her swimming lessons and the fact is, Ben and I need to get our asses in the gym.  Susanna will be 6 months in a few weeks.  They have child watching.  The kids need to be at least 6 mths.  The YMCA is right near Sam's preschool, so there is no reason I can't hop over 3x a week while Sam is in school and have Kit and Susanna play in child watch while I get my big ole butt on the treadmill.  Actually, the thought of working out again is exciting.  Pre kiddo days, I LOVED being in the gym!  By joining as a family, we will also get a discount on Sam's swimming lessons and whatever other programs we sign the kids up for.  And we can use the pool all winter long.  Ben is off Mondays, so he can work out with me then.  And then 2 nights a week, he can go over himself for an hour.

Ben and I really want the kids to see us as active and enjoying it opposed to fat and sitting on our butts all day.  We figure this is something we can all do as a family.  I am hesitant about the dollars, but if it were the computer or something, we;d figure it out.  This is our health, so we WILL figure it out.  By taking active measure now, we can hopefully stay fit and healthy for a long, long time.  And by being a member of AAA, we get dollars off, so that is nice.  Life is short, less McDonalds and more swimming/working out.

Other tidbits... Susanna is now crawling, only she goes backwards and then gets SOOO mad cause she has gone the wrong way.

I am tired and rambling, so I am going to get some sleep.

I feel a rant coming on soon tho, so check secured pages from time to time.  When I have the energy, I will rant there.  And since most of you guys all have passwords, you can be sure that it isn't about you, LOL.  ;)

Nighty night!

Editing to add:  My comments in L's blog was not to make anyone feel badly.  I know many of you guys visit me.  I can see it on my tracker.  :)  There was a time it made me feel sad, but then I questioned why I blogged.  I then knew that I blogged for me.  I wanted a journal of my life.  I do feel lucky that I have so many dear friends who care enough to read about the adventures of the Family Lee.

Also, I know I am the first one who reads but does not post comments as much as I should, so trust me, I am not casting stones at glass houses, LOL.  Promise.  I actually am amazed at how well some of you guys keep up on blogs and boards.  I struggle sometimes just getting everyone up, dressed and out the door on time, LOL.

Once again, I ramble.  I hope I did not hurt anyone's feelings. 

STOMP!

"I HAVE HAD IT!" exclaimed Samantha.  STOMP!  STOMP!  STOMP!  The whole house stopped.  Ben and Christopher were on their way upstairs, but froze.  Susanna had been nursing but pulled away to see what the commotion was.

"Samantha," I asked, "What do you mean?"  I truly was not sure what she had it with.

"I HAVE HAD IT!  I DO NOT WANT ALL YOUR ATTENTION!  I AM NOT A BABY..." but soon the screaming made her word not understandable.  I waited for her to take a breath.

"Sam, come here," I told her, patting my lap.  On no, I was not sure I was ready for this conversation.

"Fine!" She curtly retorted as she marched over to me.

"I need you to take a deep breath and tell me what is wrong."

"Well Momma," Sam started, but soon was rambling and yelling so fast that I could not understand.

"Whoa, honey, slow down and do not yell.  I want to understand." I reassured her.

"Well, I feel like you treat me like a baby.  I am NOT a baby like Susanna.  I am NOT little like Christopher.  I am a big girl now," she stated.

"Yes, you are." I agreed.  "But what is the problem?"

"I am frustrated.  I should be allowed to play outside by myself and not have to go to bed so early," she said.  "I should be allowed more privileges cause I am older."  Privileges?  When did she learn that word?  Ben and I shot a glance at each other.  He smiled that all knowing, better you than me look as he scurried up the stairs with Christopher.  So there I sat with both my baby and my big girl on my lap searching for the right words.  I knew this was a tender moment.  I wanted to be the kind of mom that my kids could come to and talk to.  I wanted her to feel positive about expressing herself.  On the flip side, there was no way under God's blue sky that she was going to be allowed to play outside by herself at her age.  And I needed to make sure that all though I am open to compromise, that it was clear that I am the parent.  Yikes.

"Well Samantha, you have a point and I am sorry..." her eyes widened with disbelief as I said my words.  I do not think that is what she expected me to say.

"Really????"

"Yes, you are a big girl and perhaps there are big girl things you should be allowed to do."

"Can I go outside by myself and play?"

"No sweetheart, that is not good judgment, you are still too young," I answered.

"I have an idea," she smiled.  "Dad is going to mow the lawn.  He can keep an eye on me if I play by the swings while he mows."

"That is a great idea," I smiled.

"Thanks mom," Sam started to get up, but I interrupted her.

"Sam, wait a minute..." She sat back on my lap next to Susanna.  "I want you to understand something..."  I paused trying to chose my words.

"It's okay Momma, just talk, " Sam said, patting my leg.

"You are my first baby.  I mean my first child.  I do not mean to treat you like a baby.  But being you are my first, I am learning too - just like you.  I want you always to be able to talk to me and tell me how you are feeling.  Then together we can figure it out.  OK?"

"OK Momma," she answered.

"Now I may treat you like a baby sometimes, but aren't there some big girl things you get to do?"

"Maybe..." she shyly smiled.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Maybe Kids Camp..."

"And?"

"Swimming lessons..."

"And?"

"Play dates with out Momma staying..."

"So even though Momma doesn't always get it right, I am trying Sam."  I reassured her.

"I love you," she said as she squeezed me with the biggest hug.

"I love you too," I replied.  "Now go outside while I put the baby down and go read your brother a book."  Ben came down and took Samantha out with him while he mowed.

After I got both Christopher and Susanna to sleep, I came downstairs and straighted up, putting all the toys away.  I was not ready for that conversation.  Wasn't that a conversation that I wasn't supposed to have until Sam was 12 or 13 or something like that?  And what kind of scares me is that I think it is the first of many, many, many more.