Once again it is too darned late and I am still awake.  Part of it was I was playing Civilization (and I won btw, yeay me!) - but more so, it is me avoiding sleep. 

I think being a woman is hard.  Being a PP woman is even harder.  And I hear menopause is EVEN harder, luckily I am not there yet.  It is the mental in the head thing that is so hard.

When it comes to being a parent, I am fine.  I am comfortable that I (pretty much) know what I am doing with the kids.  They are healthy and happy.  They know they are loved.  They are well taken care of.

As far as running the household, I am fine too.  Doctor appts are made, bills are paid, house is cleaned, food and supplies are stocked.  So I am good on that as well.

Being a wife, I think I am pretty good.  Lunches are made, clothes are washed and ready to go, fridge stocked with good snacks, the house is mostly ready for when Dh gets home.  I listen and take interest in his work.  We still enjoy each others company.  Not really much sex life, but we have 3 kids under 4.  Also, I feel way to fat to feel sexy.  BUT, we are joining the Y M C A and I will be working on that.

The problem is me and when I am alone with me.  I think I am afraid to go to deep in my head.  It is hard to explain.  I think sometimes a lot of it is post traumatic stress from Sam's accident.  So many things during the day trigger this rush of anxiety.  For example, if I am in the shower and I hear the kids playing loudly or running around, my heart starts to pound I am sure that something horrific has happened.  (I was upstairs the morning of her accident and it was the sound of Ben yelling for me and running with her in his arms that woke me...)  I hear a song that brings me to that time and I cry.  I see something on the TV that has to do with something bad happening to a kid and I have to turn it off.  I am always afraid when the kids go up and down the stairs that they are going to fall down and wind up hurting themselves.  Sometimes I can't even watch.  Usually these awful feelings are for a split second and I shove them deep down inside myself.  I am thinking that mental shove the bad feelings into it tank may be full.

I worry sometimes that I will never quite be OK again.  I will always worry too much.  It is always a struggle to let my kids do normal things cause I am so afraid something bad will happen.  I make myself do the right thing, but man, my stomach is in knots A LOT.

Then it snow balls.  I start feeling badly about myself.  Look what happened to my kids.  Maybe I am a bad mother.  Maybe I am a bad wife.  Maybe Ben will find someone better cause I am a fat cow.  It is awful.  And then when I am exhausted, it doesn't help.  Nor does the crazy woman hormones.

I do not even know if any of this makes sense.

I am hoping the increase in crazy meds will help.  Then there is the part of me that wonders if the med isn't just a band aid to mask what is really wrong.  The fact that I can't control this and fix it myself as well, kills me.  I should be able to control and fix everything.

Then I feel like an idiot for even thinking about this, let alone saying it out loud.  Do I need the crazy house?  And then I feel lonely sometimes cause so many of my friends are so far away.  Another problem is when I feel badly, I tend to withdrawal.  I am great at expressing happy things, not so much with bad.