I got a voice mail from the non carpooling parents people.  Basically I was told that they won't be able to help us ever and blah, blah, blah, so I sent an email.  I was too angry to talk.  We went back and forth.  Well today when Ben picked the kids up, then man/AXXXXXX went off on Ben about how we are terrible parents!  Ben almost lost his temper and he never does.  He got the lecture after the third email.  AXXXXXX said he had stopped by the house earlier.  It was by the grace of the Goddess that I wasn't there because I would have been compelled to go for the jugular.  What a freaking asshole.  What is even funnier is that this asswipe has 5 kids by 3 women.  Three of his kids won't even have anything to do with him!  The kids he has in his custody is in trouble all the time (from AXXXXX cause AXXXXXXX is like a militant drill sergant) and spends all his time being punished.

For your reading pleasure.. here are the emails...

Email #1

----- Original Message -----

From: W

To: C

Sent: Sunday, September 09, 2007 7:04 PM

Subject: Missed your call earlier....

I am not even sure what to say.  After I got your email Sat, I wasn't even going to ask why - altho I going to ask that you guys pick the kids up on Weds because I have made doctor appts.  I did this based on a car schedule that up until Sat, I had no idea that there was a problem with.  Now after you voice mail, I am now clear on how that offer to help in a jam, was said, but not meant.  Fine.

 

That said, now I will share my thoughts.  Thurs was the first time the kids rode together with new gear.  It is normal and expected that they might not all be on their best behavior.  I only started asking you both to get this together in July and both B and I called several times so that we could have controlled practice trials well before school started.  I have no doubt that Sam can sit still with the lap adjuster - even if the first day it was novel.  Another no back booster could have always been used on the otherside.  Whatever, no brain storming, no options were even put out there.  Heck, I saw AXXXXXX all week and nothing was said to me or B, period.  I mean, really, if I hadn't emailed you, would we have been sitting here Monday morning waiting for you to come?  With no regard to us at all, you have put a additional financials burden and time burden that I was not prepared for.  This said, I am not trying to get you to change you mind.  I am just telling you how it is.

 

In the past, I have been there to help you guys out in a New York minute - even when it was hard on me - like the time that I had all four kids for my 1.5 hour procedure at the docs office when you guys needed to see the lawyer.  But I thought that is what friends do.  We were offered faux help in a jam and when B and I called to ask about Weds afternoon, AXXXXXX couldn't even call one of us back.  When we left messages, we were friendly and normal on the phone.  Ben even said not to worry about the carpool.  But now I am angry.  I feel like I have done a lot of giving and didn't even warrant the respect of being spoken to like human being. That said, you may wonder why I am choosing to email instead of speak.  To be frank, I am way too angry to speak. 

 

You have stress.  Well we all do.  You've got yours and I have mine.  You've just added to mine.  As far as my health goes, don't assume I am on the mend.  I never said that.  I never implied that.  All I said is that the surgery is over.  You haven't been around or interested to know what is going on in my life lately.  So you want to do something nice, put some positive energy out there for me for a change that the biopsies come back ok from pathology.  Stress really is relative.

 

EMAIL #2 

 

Wendy ,

 it's me AXXXXX returning your email. You should know it is me who asked C to call you back instead of me. You see I was to angry as you put it for not even being given the respect of being spoken to like a human being as you put it, You see I find it very offensive when you tell me that the ride home on Thursday was ok because your daughter told you so . I would think you might want to speak to the adult you trusted to care for your children to hear what went on. But then maybe I was wrong. Children always tell things like they are don't they ? I was not going to talk with you about the ride in the street at the school. What happened was no one else's business . After your comments to me I saw that there was no sense in expecting to talk with you. I did not expect in the middle of your surgery or even when you got home that you would like to know . Just the fact that you put your  children's lives and care in someone else's hands whom you trusted  and that they were ok was to be enough to help relieve the stress of the moment . That being said I am glad to have been able to help.

 Now as to the future , I cannot and will not take responsibility to care for someone else's child/children when there is a situation in which a child/children are disrespectful and don't listen and only do as they want.You may be willing to put up with this type of behavior and make excuses for it, but I will not. I don't allow this type of behavior from my own children and cannot provide care for others children safety when being faced with it. 

 Now for what happened on Thursday;

  Sam came out of school and refused to talk with me or listen to my requests, she turned her back to me and refused to take my hand making it a struggle to get the children safely to the car through the parking lot. Her inability to follow my directions has caused me to realize  as a friend that I cannot trust your daughter to follow directions when in my care so I cannot take responsibility for her safety at this time.

 

 W, AXXX wanted to address the email as it was he who was participating in the car pool. However, first of all, I am dismayed that this issue seems to have parlayed into our whole friendship, and that fact that you feel as you have written, that you cannot talk with me about it is also sad. Furthermore, yes you have helped us out, which was always acknowledged and reciprocated and discussed with you. I do not feel that I have as you put it been a bad friend. Moreover, though much of the summer it was me or us calling you to see if you wanted to get together, rarely was it you reaching out to me. As for your surgery, when I did ask or you talked about it you seemed not to give much information so I respected your privacy, if this came off as not caring then I apologize. I do not feel that I should pry into someone's personal business  that seems not to want to talk about it. Lastly, the tone of this email was not acceptable to me, if you are angry about the situation I understand that, but do not take personal attacks, as I have not taken personal attacks on you.

 

 

EMAIL #3

 

AXXXXXX, let's keep this simple.  I am not trying to convince you why you should carpool.  Again, both Ben and I said fine.  My problem was two-fold and now three-fold.

 

First, our kids all have their challenges - good and bad.  That is the nature of being a child.  I contacted you in July to get this started.  My children needed time to get used to the idea and practice runs.  Both Ben and I contacted you several times to make this happen.  You did not listen.  I have a problem with that.  As a friend, you expect me to be sensitive to T's needs - well I expected the same from you.  You were not sensitive to that at all.

 

Second, you do not communicate.  I asked you in person how things went,.as did Ben and I emailed.  You never said a word about any challenges.  You are shocked that I believed Samantha?  She is the only one who until today said anything specific.   .How can Ben and I address what is not told to us?  Yes, I was not as available cause my surgery; however, Ben was.  Infact, we both tried several times to get a hold of you.  We hold no allusions that our kids are angelic.  They are children and as I said above, they all have challenges - good and bad.  Can't fix what we don't know.  Also, if it is a no-go even to help each other out in jams, just say that.  Don't make offers to help if they are empty words.  The truth is much better.

Third, I wouldn't pass judgment or make criticism as to how we raise our kids.  I am not going to dignify a lot of what you passed judgment on.  Let's not go there.  Let's just agree that there is more than one correct way to climb a mountain.

 

Whether we car pool or not is not the issue.  It is the way we treat each other.  I do not think we have been treated nicely and it made me angry.  So I have said so.  I could have just stopped talking to you guys or be nice to your face but not behind your back... but that really isn't the way friends act?

.

 

 

 

C,  I am sorry if you did not like the tone of the email.  I felt it was the best route to communicate with out getting heated and saying things in haste that can not be taken back.  With any relationship, there is good and bad.  I am angry/hurt and I said so.  I did not attack you, AXXXXXX, your characters, the way you raise your son, you family dynamic or anything like that.  I said that I do not like the way this situation was handled.  If this is the straw that breaks the camel's back, then that is a sad state of what our friendship is/was.  I am not going to say that everything is sunshine if it is not.  I can be angry with someone's actions and understand that is does not make them bad people.  I never said that.

 

I think you were given the task of ending things with out knowing what was and wasn't said.  I am not sure if you are aware of how often we tried to approach AXXXXX.  I think you were thrown in there.  And I think that sucks because with follow-thru in the beginning or  a simple conversation from your husband, this could have been circumvented.  That is not an attack on AXXXXXXX.  It just is.  I feel like we have been treated with disregard. 

 

As far as getting together, last time we planned to get together with the kids, you had picked out a Saturday.  You called me that afternoon to tell me that T's behavior was too poor and it wouldn't work.  I said just let me know what Sat would work.  That just fell thru.  The fact is that we both are working a lot and getting together has not been easy. That is no one's fault.  I do appreciate your apology about how it came across concerning my surgery.  It did come across as not caring and that hurt my feeling.  I thought you and I were way past standing on ceremony.  I honestly think you have had so much stress on your plate and I have always been the positive person for an ear and support, that it didn't cross your mind that maybe I needed an ear.  This is not an attack.  I do not think that thought process was conscious or with malicious.  I think it was as simple as not crossing your mind.

 

AXXXXXX and C,

 

You guys will either hear what I am saying or not.  I am being genuine and not slinging insults/attacks/puffing/posturing.  No one likes to hear that they made some one angry or hurt their feeling.  But how can we be friends if we can't be straight with each other?  What else can I say?